conglomeration

for the one reader i may have don't try to understand any of this. just don't try. i know what this means. they're unrelated. they're on my mind. i'm fine. in several years when i read this again maybe i won't remember then what they mean. which would then mean that maybe they really are insignificant.

that one hurt. can't say it was unexpected but it still hurt. the truth lies within the past two and a half years though.

brave. tawg salter. yes. but it's better not to be. maybe. or more of i don't want to be.

2 years, 8 months, 3 days. i just wanted to stare.

i should change me title. clearly i don't talk about just songs anymore. don't worry there won't be many posts like this. this is just one of those gotta get it out kind of posts.

Glad or depressed?

Sometimes I struggle with should I be glad or depressed. The obvious answer would seem to be glad but allow me a moment to explain the dilemma.

I am glad. Glad that I know my Savior. I am saved through faith in Jesus Christ. I know that one day I will spend eternity with my Savior in Heaven. For this I should be overjoyed. Knowing whatever happens to me in this world I have an eternity with Christ to look forward. Not to mention the time I do have here on earth to spend in prayer, in the Word, in worship.

Here's where the depression comes in. This isn't something I feel all the time, though maybe I should. Maybe the reason that I'm not in a constant state of depression at all times is because I don't find myself aware of the cause of this sadness except in certain situations and times. So let me get to what it is I feel I should be depressed about. I should be depressed because I realize how many lost people there are in this world. People who are damned to spend an eternity in hell. When I think about these people it's a lot easier (not that is is really easy or makes it any better by any means) to think that these people are the people of foreign countries who have turned their backs to God. People who bow down to idols, who worship more "gods" than they can count, who leave sacrifices to a god who doesn't exist. Typing that, and thinking now about it, has brought tears to my eyes. But they are not the only people who will be damned to hell. What about the people who never heard the Gospel? The people who know not a thing about who Jesus is? They are not excused. That is reality that hurts. That is why we must go to them. What hurts even more is what about our neighbors? Our best friends? Family? We don't want to think of such a fate for them yet we do not share Christ with them. It's like we overlook the fact that these people we care about most are on the road to dying without knowing Christ.

I'm sure there probably should be some sort of appropriate balance for these emotions. Well, really I'm not sure. Nor do I know what that balance is, if there is indeed one.

It Is Well With My Soul

Who knew this song had more than 4 verses? I didn't. I knew the ones that appear in the hymnal (that's the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and last). There are another 2 verses! And they're just as good as the others! My favorite part from these 2 verses I never knew about before is in verse 5. The first two lines, "But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait/ The sky, not the grave, is our goal." The sky, not the grave, is our goal! Yes, amen! I love it.

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

This song is so often sung in such a depressing sounding way. I know the circumstances in which Horatio Spafford wrote it were depressing. The first verse yes does contain a little bit of that sadness but look at all the rest. It should be such a joyous song. Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and has shed His own blood for my soul. For my soul! No matter what comes along Christ see is it. I can't save myself. Christ died for me. My sin, not in part, but the whole. Yes, all of it! Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul. Praise the Lord! Not in part, the whole! I bear it no more! I want to shout this out! Be it Christ hence to live! The sky, not the grave, is our goal! The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend! It is well with my soul. Yes, all this is well with my soul! I am saved by Christ!

Finals

It's finals week. Almost done! Monday when I was looking over notes minutes before my first final I turned to the back pages of my notebook and found some verses I'd written down when I was trying to memorize them for Bible Study. They were:

So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Cast all your anxiety upon him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

This is what the Lord says, "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom, or the strongman boast of his strength, or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these things I delight," declares the Lord. Jeremiah 9:23-24.

What an encouragement right before I was about to take my first final and at the start of finals week!

Radical?

I post this video for the story he tells in the beginning about the boys who sell themselves to slavery to witness to those people. That's amazing. I'm willing to say it's pretty radical. Extreme.

I don't mean to take anything away from what they did and how amazing I truly do think that it is. That takes a lot of faith and courage. But should the really be considered radical? Or should they be considered normal? I know in the video Paul Walsher does not call them radical or extreme. That is the way we would look at them though, how we would look at their actions.

I question whether it should be considered radical or normal because isn't this what is expected of us? No, not everyone is supposed to sell themselves to slavery with no way out. If everybody did that then there would be no one to reach the other lost people in the world. Yes some people need to stay and witness to the people right here around them. But shouldn't we all be willing to make the kind of sacrifices they made. Shouldn't we all be doing something "radical"? Aren't we told in the Bible to take up our crosses and follow Him. To deny ourselves. Leave everything behind. Count our lives as nothing. If we all did this then their actions would not be considered radical but normal. Expected. Even if it's like I said not everyone, it should still be more. Should it not? Enough that there's no special earthly recognition for your actions. It's just normal.

Is Christ divided?

1 Corinthians 1:10-17

10 I appeal to you, brothers and sisters,in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. 11 My brothers and sisters, some from Chloe’s household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. 12 What I mean is this: One of you says, “I follow Paul”; another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Cephas”; still another, “I follow Christ.”

13 Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized in the name of Paul? 14 I thank God that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, 15 so no one can say that you were baptized in my name. 16 (Yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas; beyond that, I don'’t remember if I baptized anyone else.) 17 For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel—not with wisdom and eloquence, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

I'd been having a lull in my quiet time. Then when I picked it back up again I was like where do I want to start, what do I want to read? I started with 1 Corinthians. I've probably never read through the whole book before. It really is a shame when I think about it and realize how many books of the Bible there are that I may know bits from but have at no point read anything other than those few bits.

So I begin reading 1 Corinthians and man does God bring it! I'm not even through the first chapter and I'm just like whoa! This is in the Bible?! Why have I never read this before? Not only am I reading it for likely my first time but I can see how it relates to here and now. I was just astounded. God, you're awesome!

It goes back to the theology rant I had. What is more important Calvinism, Arminianism, etc, or Christ? In those verses, specifically 12 and 13 we can substitute a few names and there we have it. " 12 What I mean is this: One of you says, “I follow Calvanism”; another, “I follow Arminianism”; another, “I follow Reformed ”; still another, “I follow Christ.”13 Is Christ divided? Was Piper crucified for you? Were you baptized in the name of Chan?"

There is also more on divisions in the church in 1 Corinthians 3.


And also might I mention that I love in verse 17 that Paul says, "I don't remember." That's just like a reminder that he's human. He forgets too.

Praying

So I'd been kinda out of prayer mode lately. Tuesday night I started praying about sometihng that was heavy on my mind. Indonesia. Yes, I have prayed for and about Indonesia many times before but not lately.

I really want to go to college week in Glorieta. The Lord worked so much in my life this past summer at Glorieta and it was so great. However, the dates that we would be going to Indonesia would overlap the dates of Glorieta so I wouldn't be able to go. My best friend's wedding is July 16 so I wouldn't be able to leave for Indonesia until the 17. Staying for 4 weeks would put getting back around the 13 or 14 of August. Glorieta is the 7-11. So I'd miss it by 1 week. So, Tuesday night I was praying about the whole dates thing and for it all to work out according to God's will. I don't remember exactly word for word what I was praying but it was along those lines and just that I'd be okay with having to sacrifice going to Glorieta.

Wednesday evening I get a text from that best friend who is getting married and it said the wedding is like 90% chance getting moved up a week. I looked at a calendar and I was just at a loss for words. That would put the wedding on July 9. Allowing me to leave the 10th, stay four weeks and fly into New Mexico for Glorieta on the 7th of August. I got so excited. I was laughing with excitement.I couldn't contain it; I had to tell someone. I sent a text to a few friends with a cliff notes version of it and included 1 John 5:14-15 "14This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

I wasn't expecting an answer so soon. Really I wasn't expecting anything with the dates to change. I realize nothing is set in stone. I still may not be able to go to Glorieta. The dates for Indonesia might stay the same. It was just the wonderment of seeing my prayer answered so soon and unexpectedly. God is good,so good, I should know this by now. I shouldn't doubt Him or pray without expectation.



Drifting from what I was talking about to something else but still somewhat related. "Never let your prayin knees get lazy." That's a line from Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice. My right knee is bruised from TLCT soldier practice. I know this is kind of random but I was thinking about that one knee being bruised. Then I started thinking about this song lyric. And together they got me thinking about how I'd been neglecting prayer. Not just my right knee should be bruised. They should both be bruised. Bruised from spending so much time on them in prayer. Okay so maybe I would prefer to not really have any bruises but you get the picture. I need to be praying more.



Final thing. Can't say it ties in. It doesn't have to do with prayer; although, it is something I need to be praying about. Tonight JJ of Nehemiah Teams spoke at the B. It was great to meet him! Something he said really got me though. It was something like how many of us are willing to go but planning to stay. I was like man you got me. That is pretty much exactly what I've been telling myself and doing. I'm willing to go but I'm planning on staying. I've said that I don't see myself in the mission field single, by myself. If I get married and my husband feels called to international missions I'd be willing to go. I wouldn't have a problem with that. But in the mean time I've just been planning to stay. Which I guess this also goes back to me needing to be okay with my singleness. I just need to have more talks with the Lord and trust in Him.

Christ and the Bible

*this is a recent babble of mine from a facebook note*

I'm not usually one for expressing my views such as this in a note and this isn't targeted at anyone individually. I guess this really is two different issues in a way related. One I had been thinking about the past few days and the other I have thought about before but not recently. Then tonight I was asked a question that got me thinking about it again. This concludes my not so eloquent, rambling introduction. No guarantee that the rest won't be less than eloquent rambling.

Tonight I was asked if I was reformed (as in theology). My response was: No, I'm not reformed but I'm not the other one either, what is it? I'm somewhere in between. I was filled in that "the other one" is Arminianism. And was corrected when I asked if reformed and Calvinist are the same thing. They're not the same is what I'm told. I backed up my answer some more by saying I haven't really looked in to any for myself. My knowledge of what each believes comes from someone who if I'm not mistaken is also somewhere in between but leans more towards Arminianism. Therefore their view is probably a bit biased to begin with making my knowledge of it all a bit flawed. Now that I got through all that what I'm getting at is why does it matter? I've thought to myself before I really should search these views. Learn what they are and decide on my own not based off what friends tell me. I've just not taken the time to try and figure it all out. That's why tonight I realized I don't think I want to try and figure it out. I don't want to look any of them up. I don't want to read about them. "The B-I-B-L-E yes that's the book for me. I stand alone on the Word of God." I know the Bible tells me: Christ died for my sins (Romans 5:8). If I believe Christ is Lord, who died and rose, I am saved (Romans 10:9). This is all offered to me freely as a gift (Romans 6:23). I am to share the news of Christ (Matthew 28:19-20, Matthew 9:37). Anybody actually taking the time to read this I'm sure is familiar with these verses. I'm afraid there are too many people who are taking the focus off of Christ and off of the Scriptures. These theologies are becoming the focus. I'm guessing which ever theology you subscribe to to an extent influences what you do believe some Scripture means. I don't know. In the end what I'm saying is keep the focus on Christ and the Bible.

The other issue. Many people, myself included, are giving to much credit to others' words and not the Bible. We are almost at a state of worshiping other people and not Christ. By these other people I mean all those "big names" in Christianity that we know and love. Lewis, Piper, Driscoll, Chandler, Platt, Chan, and still others. We love quoting them, knowing what they say about certain things, but do we know the actual Scripture. Don't get me wrong these men have great things to say. They are pastors, theologians. They know what they're talking about. They say/write what they do so God will be glorified and so that we Christians may learn more about Him and grow in Him and the lost may find Him and know Him. The problem is they and their words are often becoming the focus and not God's words. Go back to Christ and the Bible.

This is probably all poorly expressed and I feel like this potentially may have some contradictions in it. I'm not trying to start any arguments or debates. I'm just saying stick to Christ and the Bible.

All That You Are

I'm about to get really real in this post.

Let me start by saying my best friend since we were babies in the nursery, Ashley Wilks, is engaged! I couldn't be more excited and happy for her! Every time I think about it, which in the just over 24 hours that I've known, I think omg I can't believe she's engaged!

Andrew and Ashley engaged!

No lie, Wednesday morning I was thinking and praying about relationships. I thought about Ashley and Andrew. I was wondering when they would get engaged. I mean I knew it was coming but just not when. I think most of us knew it was eventually coming. Then I was thinking what if my best friend gets engaged before I've ever even had a boyfriend. What happens the next day, Thursday? She gets engaged. Thinking about it now it's pretty laughable, how I was thinking that and then bam!

I was also kind of having a pity party for myself, by myself. Feeling a little sorry for myself that I haven't had a boyfriend. In truth I'm not sorry. Do I wish I was in a relationship or I'd been in at least one by this age? Yes, at times I do. I want to feel liked, really liked, eventually loved. I want all those firsts: that first real date, first boyfriend, first kiss. But I also recognize (though clearly not all the time or the afore mentioned pity would not of occured) that waiting on God's timing will be worth it. It may be hard but it's really out of my control. It will make all those first that much more special though. I need to be using this time of singleness to serve Him without distractions, in a way that I may not be able to once in a relationship, once hopefully married one day.

So I was driving to work today listening to Rachel Ruth. I've heard all the songs before. This was my second or third time listening to it since yesterday evening. That's when these lines hit me, "This hole in my soul is shaped just like you, but I've filled it with less more than a time or two." Wow. That's what I needed. When I get caught up in this longing for love from someone else and feeling sorry I'm not trusting God and seeking Him. I need to give my heart to Him, my whole heart. I need to love the Lord with every fiber of my being. All this other stuff, whatever it is, will not fill the void. No matter how much I try only He can fill it. And He loves me. He loves me more than I can imagine and this I too often forget.

All That You Are

I have strayed far enough to see
I am not enough for me
This hole in my soul is shaped just like You
But I've filled it with less more than a time or two
Now I've come to my end, I'm empty again
All I know to do
Is finally surrender
And run home to my Savior
Turn back to the time when I first believed that all that You are is all that I need

I run far enough to know
The peace I need I left back home
My restlessness can only rest in You
I've tried other things but those other things just won't do
I've been away but I'm back to day
And all I want is You
I've finally surrendered
And run home to my Savior
Turn back to the time when I first believed that all that You are is all that I need

I finally surrender
And run home to my Savior
Turn back to the time that I first believed that all that you are is all that I need
I'm coming back home because God I believe that all that You are is all that I need
All that i need
All that i need

So I had that little revelation. Then I got home and looked at the lyrics to the rest of the song and this little revelation continued some more. In the very next lines. "Now I've come to my end I'm empty again. All I know to do is finally surrender and run home to my Savior. Turn back to the time when I first believed that all that You are is all that I need." This is very much true. The lines that came right before it is why I'm at my end, why I'm empty. The thing is I shouldn't come to my end. I shouldn't let myself get empty. When I do, it is because I'm trying to do things on my own accord and not trusting in the Lord. If I just trust in Him, fully trust in Him, trust that He is all I need then I won't get to that point of being empty. However, I haven't been trusty fully in Him and that is why I am again surrendering and running back to Him.

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

You know the song. You've been singing it since before you could read.

He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands

Doesn't get much simpler. It's one of those songs though that I've known so long that I never really did think about what it means. I just had this cliche image of a pair of hands holding the world. I never comprehended the greatness of it until tonight.

He's got the whole world in His hands. He's got the whole freakin world in His hands!

Me and you sister, brother, little bitty babies, wind and rain, sun and moon. He's got the WHOLE world... in His hands.

Psalm 139 He created you. He's knows the number of your days. He knows your thoughts. When you rise and when you sit.

Matthew 5:33-37 Heaven is God's throne and earth is his footstool

Matthew 6:25-34 He feeds the birds of the air. He clothes the grass of the field

Isaiah 40 He's measured the waters with his hands, marked off the heavens, held the dust of earth in a basket, weighed the mountains on scales and the hills in a balance, the nations are like a drop in a bucket! He calls the stars out, each by name!

Revelation Song

Revelation Song

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain

Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat
[2X]

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah...

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

"You are my everything and I will adore you." As words they're great. As actions it'd be great if that's what my life actually showed- me adoring Christ.

"Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder at the mention of your name." Man, I wish that was how I felt. If only I were really filled with wonder, awestruck wonder at the very mention of Jesus' name.

Just imagine how amazing it would be if I truly was completely in love with Christ. If I put Him as my number one everyday in everything. If I made Him the most important relationship in my life. If I was so in love with Him that I got butterflies just when I hear His name. To long to spend time with Him. This is my prayer. That I would love and adore Him with every fiber of my being.

How much?

Judas sold Jesus out for 30 silver coins. Matthew 26:14-16

What's He worth to you? How much are you willing to sell Him for? Are you holding out for 40 silver coins? An 'A' in that impossible class? A date with that fine young man across the room?

You can't be bought?

What if your life is on the line? Life or death. Will you sell Him out for your life?

For me, Jesus, my Savior, is priceless. You can't buy me out. He is the best thing I have. The best I could ever want.

From the Inside Out

It's been a while since I've had anything I've really felt like sharing (or I should say typing up for me to remember, sharing would involve someone else reading this).

"From the inside out" When we love Jesus from the inside then it will show show outwardly. When we truly give Him our all and love Him inwardly we can't help but let his love show through us in our actions and words. However, we can love Him outwardly with their being nothing going on inwardly. How easy it is to say we love Him. To do good deeds, to go to church, etc., but have no real love, no real relationship with Christ. I know all too well how easy that can be. Love Him from the inside out.

On another quick note. Before TNT I had bits of a song stuck in my head but didn't really know the song. I really wanted to find this song. So I did a quick search and had no trouble finding it. Then at TNT we sang it! I was like wow God! "I can't lift my hands high enough". I'm not one to look around during worship but at the line, I can't lift my hands high enough, seeing all the hands lifted in the air to God was just so amazing. It was one of those times when I just had to stop and watch. Worship through seeing others around me worship. I remember the first time I experienced something like this. It was at Student Life camp in 2006. Aaron Keyes, "Not What My Hands Have Done." Tucker was in front of me and seeing his passion in his worship. The chorus of the song: "these guilty hands are raised filthy rags are all I bring, and i have come to hide beneath your wings. these holy hands are raised, washed in the fountain of your grace, and now I wear your righteousness." Such a great song. Seeing these other people worship brings a quote I like from the intro of Blue Like Jazz to mind,"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."

oh K-Love

Whenever K-Love has something that really strikes me I have an, "Oh K-Love," moment. K-Love's encouraging word of the day the other day, actually it was a week or so ago (Aug, 23), was "So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding." (Hebrews 6:1 NASB).

It hit home with me.

Now that I just looked up the verse and read the verses following it again it's given me more to think about. The above verse is only the first half of the verse; however, it's meaning is not loss or changed or being used out of context. So what it taught me:

My focus, spiritually, has been on the same thing. I have pretty much been dwelling on the things from previous posts: sin, forgiveness, shame, etc. While those things are still very relevant, the temptations are still there. It is still a struggle. I can continue growing and learning about and from that but I can't limit myself to just that. If I do limit myself then I won't experience growth or maturity in my understanding. I need to keep spending time with the Lord and learning more about Him then only concentrating on the same principles. How much I will miss out on if I don't continue to mature! I must press on and continue seeking Christ!

Soularium

At Glorieta, in the Peace from the Past, Mark Robinson (the guy leading the breakout seminar) mentioned Soularium. He passed the cards around and had us choose one. He briefly explained how they are used but we never really did anything with them. Apparently there are 5 questions you ask about the image. I didn't know what these questions were until a few minutes ago when I looked Soularium up online. So I didn't exactly answer the questions but here is the image I chose and what I have to say about it:

(Image from Soularium)

The door is beaten, old, weathered. It isn't in perfect condition. But it is still beautiful. There is a chain on the door. It is locked. Something is behind the doors. Something hidden. Something secret. With a key the doors can be opened.

How does this relate to me?

I'm not perfect. I've been knocked around, beaten down (not literally, I've never been abused in any way). Sin. The sin I keep locked inside of me. Hidden from the world. The sin is what has beaten me down. However, there is still beauty in me (I'm not talking physical beauty). There is good with in me. That good is Christ. Christ who holds the key to unchain me from this sin. He doesn't just hold the key, He is the key. When I allow Him into my life I have freedom from this sin.

Collegiate Week in Glorieta

Man do I underestimate our Lord. I learned and grew so much at Glorieta. Shame on me for trying to limit the Lord and for having small expectations from Him. There is much I could say but I'll just share the biggest way the Lord worked in my life this past week. Here is what I wrote Wednesday night:

Breakout sessions. Mike Satterfield. David Platt. All of them have helped me find the freedom I have in Christ. The freedom from sin. Freedom from shame.

Peace From the Past: Learning How to Be Set Free From the Grip of Shame. Psalm 51: 1-12. v. 12 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Mike Satterfield. Be Free! 1 Corinthians 6:9-11"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

Which I associated with Ephesians 2:1-10 . "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved." (That's only through v.5)

Mike again. Ephesians 5:1-20. v.8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light."

David Platt. Isaiah 43:24-25. v. 25 "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

Then in community group we went to the prayer garden. We read Isaiah again. We got alone and prayed. And wrote down what was stopping us from trusting the Lord, causing us to sin. We wrote these down and laid them down at the foot of the cross. What a sweet release. I could not help but cry then. I let go of this sin, no longer to partake in it already but still held onto the shame and felt like dirt. I finally understand the beauty in these verses. I have been saved. I have asked forgiveness. These sins are in my past. I don't need to hold on to them. Let them go.

As these verses say that is what I was (were), at one time. But look what comes after the "but" in all these. The good news. Washed. Sanctified. Justified. God. Mercy. Grace. Light. Blots out my transgressions. Remembers my sins no more. Praise be to God. Thank you Lord. Thank you. His grace is sufficient for me. In my weakness His power is made perfect.

And now. Now I have the joy of salvation again. Psalm 51:12. With what I've gone through spiritually in the past 5ish months I am overwhelmed with the freedom I now have from this sin. The joy I now can have.

And I do want to share this with others. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. I do want to boast in my weakness and tell others. Tell how with Christ these weaknesses are overcome.

And I am so thankful. Thankful for what Christ has done. Thankful for the friends, 2 particular, who have helped me through this. Thankful for their prayers. Their hearts, hearts for the Lord, their listening, help, encouragement, and wanting to see me grow and be happy in the Lord again. Thankful for my prayers that God has answered. The prayers to understand and it make sense. That I don't have to have this shame anymore.

I am free from the sin and free from the shame.

Thank you Lord. Thank you.

Africa- Review

21+ hours flying

7 hour time difference
4 missionaries
9 students
3 weeks
11 decisions made for Christ
1 great and awesome God

In the end it was a great trip and there is no doubt in my mind that God was at work there. A question I've gotten multiple times is Africa or Indonesia? I definitely know I want to continue doing mission work. I don't know where God is calling me to do this work though. In my mind I'm like there's got to be somewhere, that one place where I'll go and I'll just know this is it, this is where the Lord wants to use me. This is my place. I don't feel that either place has been that. But I also don't think I necessarily need to have one place. Where the Lord calls I will go. So Africa or Indonesia? I really like what we did in Africa having the youth meetings and just having deep conversations with them. It was amazing. But I miss the kids in Indonesia like crazy. So if I had to choose one it'd be Indonesia just because I want to see the kids again. However, if I do ever get the chance to go back to Indonesia I wouldn't want it to be just so I could see the kids. I'd want to be going because I really do have a passion to do what ever work is needed over there. Spending two months with the kids in Indonesia relationships were built. That was a large part of this trip to Africa building relationships. I don't feel like I built any relationships with anyone in South Africa though. This is a little upsetting but even though I didn't build any relationships I don't feel anything was done in vain and God did reveal stuff to me. Though I did not build relationships with anyone there I did build incredible relationships with some of my teammates. Maybe it is best this way. The teammates came back with me. I didn't have to go through saying hard, sad goodbyes to the people in Upington like the kids in Indonesia. And just because I didn't build any relationships doesn't mean I won't remember and pray the people of Upington.

Just a some random unimportant things that I found memorable:

"Ladies..."

"Guarding the wagon, guarding the wagon"
kosa
red viennas
"Cliche!"
MWA or MAW
"Africa's catching up"
"Radishes, radishes barely even human"
"6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot BUNCH!"

Africa- Parties, BBQ's, and Friends

One of our first few days in Upington we had a youth leaders' meeting at the house. Lindsay and Morgan met with some of the leaders from the townships and Ethan met with one of the guys to teach him to play the keyboard. The rest of us planned stories and skit (that we never ended doing). After the meeting we played Mafia and the winking game with the youth that were there. Once they left we played Spoons (with pens). We played instead of someone getting out each round they got a letter (P-E-N) once they got all three letters then they were out. It came down to me and Megan and I was victorious! That was 29 rounds + any practice rounds and redos. Then we divided up into pairs to prepare a story/skit. That didn't take too long so I told Sloan about the letters Annie R. had put in my water bottle. The first 3 fit amazingly well with what we did. The first one said expect great things and God will move in mighty ways, praying traveling wasn't too bad. The second one was about praying. Be specific. People, bulidings, ministries, friends, team, focus, hindrances be removed, etc. That was the either the day we went to the prayer meeting in Rosedale or we went prayer walking. The third note was give your all, play extra, even if you're tired give your all. That day we went and played with the kids. The fourth note said make bracelets with children. We didn't see any children that day so I made bracelets with Sloan.

singing (or should I say Olwethu singing and us trying to) at the youth leaders' meeting (Megan's photo)

the group with the youth at the youth leaders' meeting (Mrs. Liz's photo)

Megan and me playing Spoons for the victory (Whitney's picture)

the beginning of bracelet making (see out Bibles and binders open on the bed, proof we did what we were supposed to first :) )
everybody's bracelets except Eddy who didn't want one and Ethan whose I made real quick that night, this was the night before Whitney and Tiffany left (Whitney's photo)

We had a cultural party one night with some of the guys from Rosedale (Sergio, JimLee, Amor, and Winston) and some of the girls from Paballelo (Monica and Patience), Suzie, Victoria and her husband (Freddie) and brother (Jeshua). We had quite a spread for the party: red beans and rice, corn bread, frito corn salad, frito chili pie, and fried rice. Before we ate we hung out outside talking about various topics like our favorite movies and the weirdest thing we've ever eaten. After we ate we just hung out talking and having fun in small groups which ended up being the guys, the girls, and the adults. Some point in there there was some music and everybody singing "Nobody Wanna See Us Together." Then we talked some more as a big group, about holidays.

the spread for the cultural party (Whitney's photo)

Patience, Monica, and Victoria (Whitney's photo)

Tiffany with Suzie (Whitney's photo)

Sergio, Winston, Amor (Whitney's photo)

Jimlee (Whitney's photo)

the adults group (Mr. John, Victoria, Freddie, Jeshua)

having fun (Whitney's photo)

the group (minus the girls) at the cultural party (Whitney's photo)

Braais. A Braai is a South Africa barbecue. There was a braai pit in the courtyard at the house and we had a few braais. The first one we had was when we got to try mutton (sheep). Let me say I was really excited about this and thought I would probably like mutton. However, after trying it I didn't like it. Sad day. We had a couple and their son, who were friends of Petrus and Mariana , over for a Braai one night. Thys (the husband) brought a dish but we didn't know what it was. I knew there were potatoes in it. He said he'd tell us what was in it later. For some reason that didn't fully register with me that hey there's probably something in this I don't want to eat. I got some and when I was eating it I realized there was something in it other than potatoes but I wasn't sure what. I then thought to myself it's dark out here, I can't see what I'm eating, it's probably better that way. Later found it it was chicken livers. Gotta admit it wasn't that bad though. When we were hanging out before it was time to eat Eddy was playing with Thys's neice with a soccer ball and Thys went to a store and got some chips that we were eating and trying to hide from Mariana, it was kind of funny.

Petrus cooking at the Braai (Megan's photo)

Eddy playing with Thys's neice and Thys's son

Victoria, who I mentioned was at the cultural party, is from the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC). The girls went over to her house one day to visit. We just talked and she showed us some pictures. She is really sweet.

Megan and Lindsay got to visit the hospital one day. Megan totally got asked out by a doctor (an audiologist) and got his number! He asked her if she wanted to go see a movie or something, I don't remember, and she was like there are 8 others of us. Ha! We were really hoping to meet this guy but it never happened. While at the hospital they met some dietitians who wanted to meet us! So on a Sunday afternoon they came to the house and we had tea and muffins that they made. I think it's awesome that they actually wanted to meet all of us. So we had tea and the muffins and talked. They were pretty awesome!

group with the dietitians

Africa- Pierre & Maretha and Movies

So we had what I'd like to call family time. This family time was after supper and usually after the dishes were washed. We would gather in the cold room/warm room/living room and watch either movies, or sermons, or view the pictures and videos we'd taken that day. We watched SM Lockridge's "That's My King," Lou Giglio's "Indescribable," and "Father's Love Letter." We watched two more sermons, maybe it was only one. It might of all been the same one, I don't remember now. One (if there were indeed two) was about the lady who touched the hem of Jesus' garment to be healed. I don't remember too, too much from it but it was alright. Ya know. The other (or maybe it was just more of the other one) was about the Lord's Supper, or as the preacher (who used to be Jewish) called it communion. After like and hour he said something along the lines of "We're just getting started." I think we were all thinking are you serious?! And oh he was. It was at least about 2 hours. Can't say I paid too much attention to it. I did however get bits and pieces that I greatly disagree with, something about daily taking the Lord's supper and taking it with your spouse at home.

We also watched a few actual movies. The God's Must Be Crazy, Tornado: And the Kalahari Horse Whisperer, and Oh Brother Where Art Thou. The God's Must Be Crazy is a movie that takes place in the Kalahari Desert area. It was funny, well what I was awake for. I don't think there was any movie that everybody was awake for the entire thing. It seems at least one person would always fall asleep, at least through part, me included for a couple of them.

Tornado (not sure who the dude is but pretty sure this is the real Tornado and not the horse that played him in the movie. Picture from internet.)

Tornado and the Kalahari Horse Whisper is inspired by a true story. Quick summary. Pierre was a runner but had arthritis and couldn't run anymore. He went to school to study equestrian management. He in the process met a horse, Tornado who suffers from self mutilation syndrome. Pierre brings Tornado to Barrie, a horse whisperer, in the Kalahari. As you can guess there is healing and growth for both Tornado and Pierre. There is also a love story in there with Pierre and Meretha. It is a good movie.

Pierre and Meretha

The most exciting part about Tornado is that we got to meet the real Pierre and Meretha!!!! Petrus contacted them and they were going to be in town one of the days we were there. (They live a good ways out). They were great people (and by now should have their first child)! They came to the house in the morning and Pierre started telling us his testimony. Then we had to bring Whitney and Tiffany to the airport so Pierre and Meretha came along. Then we went back home and he told us the rest of his testimony. They told us about the movie and making it and stuff. The romance between him and Meretha in the movie is not at all how it happened. Merethat's whole character in the movie was nothing like her. They said at that time there were to romances going on but not with each other. Pierre winning over Tornado's heart and God winning over Meretha's heart. aww.! :) Pierre did some of the riding stunts in the movie.

The group (minus two) with Pierre and Meretha

Africa- Prayer and Baby House

On the first Friday there we went prayer walking through the city. We divided up into small groups and each group took a different street. We all met up at the Baby House, I'll get to that later. While prayer walking we also had flyers about the Global Day of Prayer to pass out and ask if we could put up in stores. I wasn't one of the people walking with Mariana, I'm not sure who was, but this is what happened to the best of my knowledge. They had one flyer left. Mariana told them to pray about who to give it to. They keep walking. They pass people. Mariana goes up to a car at a stoplight and gives it to a man. She talks to him some and gives him her number. The man, Levine, calls her for a ride to church on Sunday. She tells him a time and place to meet her on Sunday to pick him up. Sunday morning comes around and he is there waiting! More on Levine later.

Band at Global Day of Prayer

So this Global Day of Prayer. I don't know why but in my mind I pictured this big stadium, not like Tiger Stadium or anything but still kinda big, and lots of people. It was a one sided stadium and not nearly as many people as I imagined. There was a good number of people though. There was a band, and prayer for different things like the government, schools, families, churches, workers, etc., there was a questionable flag routine, and a choir. Most everything was done in Afrikans. One or two prayers or songs were in English and every other topic we prayed for was prayed for in small groups and the others prayed for by one of the leaders of the GDofP. I call the flag routine questionable because there wasn't much to it and there were music problems. The cd skipped and repeated and got stuck. Hopefully it can all be attributed to the music problems and if that would of worked then they would of had a kickin performance. Hopefully. Guess we'll never know. At one point when someone was praying the guitar player was playing music in the background, just like often is done here. Such a simple little thing, the guitar playing, got me thinking. We often look at all the differences and ignore the similarities. Yes there are differences that can't and shouldn't be ignored. They are part of what makes up the different cultures. We pray and we worship, maybe in different ways, to the same God. We are worshiping the same Lord. One world. One God.

Choir at Global Day of Prayer

Flag routine at Global Day of Prayer

Levine. Levine is from Burundi. I never got the chance to really know him but Morgan, Megan, Lindsay, and Ethan did. He's been through a lot in his life. There are many immigrants at the place where he lives, a house with many rooms rented out. A church was started there. The first and only time we were able to go the lights went out so we met outside on the porch with about 1 or 2 candles. There was singing and Petrus spoke and I shared my testimony. (After the church we went star gazing, Ethan doesn't know, shh! He was sick and didn't come to church and it was a last minute thing. There were so many stars, it was incredible!)

Levine and Megan (Megan's photo)

Baby House. The Friday we went prayer walking we all met up at the Baby House. There were 4 sweet babies there we got to hold and feed. There were 3 boys: Adri (3 weeks old), Dani, and Daniel, and 1 girl: Joseline (who they said was "special"). I got to hold Adri and feed him some and hold sweet Joseline. I guess the baby house is a safe house where people who don't want their babies can bring them. I don't remember how long the babies stay there. It could be until they find a foster home or are adopted but then again I could be totally making that up.

Feeding Adri (Whitney's photo)

Sweet Joseline (Morgan's photo)

Morgan and Dani or Daniel, I don't remember which baby is which (Morgan's photo)

Sloan with Dani or Daniel (Morgan's photo)

Lindsay with Adri and Morgan with Joseline

Baby clothes hanging on the line (Whitney's photo)

Africa- Fieldtrips: Spitskop and Augrabies

We went to two nature park, game reserve type places. The first one we went to wasn't far away it was called Spitskop. We drove through Spitskop in the three cars: Petrus's Mariana's, and John's. Mariana's car broke down in the middle of the park so it had to be towed by Petrus. At one point when we stopped we thought we saw a buffalo. We got pretty excited. It was a cow. We mainly saw springbok and wildebeest. Where we were in South Africa we wouldn't be seeing any of the big animals like elephants or lions or anything like that.

Spitskop

uh-oh, car trouble!

Wildebeest

Buffalo...I mean cow

When we finished driving through we went to a large koppie. A koppie is a large pile of rocks/boulders that is just there. They weren't placed there by man; God just thought a pile of rocks needs to go there and bam there's a pile of rocks. We climbed up the koppie. Upon reaching the top the guys tell us there are stairs we could of come up. Where's the fun and adventure in that! We did take the stairs down though because it was dark by then. We watched the sun set from atop the koppie. God paints beautiful pictures. And they're different everyday.

Koppie in the distance

At the bottom of the koppie we climbed

Beautiful sunset

God paints some beautiful pictures

The day is done

The second one we went to was Augrabies Falls National Park. Augrabies was a bit farther away. We had to wake up at about 5 am to leave. I really think someone was praying for me then, it would of been 10pm back home, because I had no trouble waking up and being the first one to get out of bed. Being the first out of bed was a feat in itself; I was normally the last girl to get out of bed (and yet still the first one to be ready). On the way there we stopped by Mr. John's friend Eric's bed and breakfast, The Overlook. Eric was going to bring his Land Rover and come with us. Ethan and I rode with Eric from his B&B to Augrabies. The 9 of us rode through Augrabies in the Land Rover and adults rode in one of their cars. Shortly after getting going we stopped at a spot and we really didn't want to get out. I don't think we really realized where we were stopped at and it was really cold. (I just overused the word really). We did get out though and we started climbing this large rock, Moon Rock. It was just one large, smooth, black rock. It was a kind of long way up to the top and really windy but the view was incredible. You could see all around in every direction.

The climb up (actually this was on the way back down) Moon Rock

Not quite at the top yet.

Sloan at the top. This picture actually shows one of the better views from the top.

View from the top of moon rock even though it doesn't appear to be from a height.

View from top. Pictures don't do it justice.

Then we got back in the cars and drove some more and came to Oranjekom viewpoint which means Orange River Basin. I was in awe of God's mighty works. Looking at it made me feel so small. I also thought about the Grand Canyon, which I've never been to, but if I'm in awe of this and feel so small then how much more so would I at the Grand Canyon. It was incredible!

Oranjekom (Orange River Basin)

me at Oranejkom (Orange River Basin)

We got back in the vehicles and drove some more. We saw some animals. More springbok and other similar animals. Mongoose, I think. Yes mongoose because, "You guys know the difference between a mongoose and a meerkat?" (I still don't know). We saw three zebras. That's about the extent of animals we saw. Some people go to Africa to see the big 5: lion, elephant, rhino, leopard, and buffalo. We go to see the small 5: springbok, squirrel, cat, dog, and cow.

Zebras!

Springbok

We started heading back and had lunch at the Orange River lookout. We had hamburgers we had prepared the night before but Eric also had tuna sandwiches and drinks. He had litchi juice. We had that in Indonesia! He did say at one point that his mom was from Indonesia. After we finished eating we just hung out there for a little while. They had a bathroom at this lookout spot. That easily may have been the worse smelling bathroom I've ever been in.

The ride. Landrover.

Quiver Tree

Then we went to see the Augrabies Falls. There wasn't much water coming from the falls compared to what it is at other times. I mean there was still a lot of water but we were told in certain seasons the water is higher and falls from the sides that while we were there were dry. It was still nice.

The walkway to the falls

Looking down on the falls, kinda. (at certain times of the year water falls from the wall that is seen)

Augrabies Falls

What the falls are like at other times, NOT what we saw (pic from internet)

Again, NOT what we saw but how big the falls can be. That platform is where my pictures are taken from. (pic form internet)

When we left Augrabies we went to Eric's B&B. It was pretty nice. It had a great view of some vineyards.

View of vineyard from The Overlook, Eric's B&B.

There was another place we went to but I don't know the name of it. We went to try and see sand dunes but the cars couldn't make it all the way to where the sand dunes were. We still got to see some beautiful places. There were some camping type areas and a tree that became known as Pocahontas's home. At that same tree was a light switch. There was a video made. It was quite quotable. It was great. Hahaha!

The lake (I feel like the curve of everything makes this look edited or like some special effect was used. No effects or editing were done.)

There was a path we took that led us to a great view of the lake that was there. Along the path we found some bones. I was walking and thought I saw what looked like a vertebrae so I stopped to pick it up and it was. Then we start looking and found some more and a leg/arm bone. Wonder what animal they came from. It was probably a goat. We saw a herd of goat. It was pretty exciting. We were probably more excited about the goats then you would think but hey it was the most wildlife we'd seen all together like that. There was one goat that was sleeping and we all kept getting closer and closer. It woke up and poor thing looked, kind of shook it's head, realized we were all there, and took off running.

Goats!

The lake. There was a two person little boat and a one person boat. Petrus and Mariana went on the lake in the two person boat looking all cute and stuff. Lindsay decides to go out on the one person boat. She didn't fall in but Morgan fell in the mud helping to push Lindsay off. Then Megan took a turn in the one person boat and almost flipped. She got wet but luckily did not flip. Oh good laughs.

Lindsay paddling out into the lake