December 17, 2014
For the past seven months and one day God has been good. God was good before then. God will be good after then. God is good.
God has been good in ways I did not expect. You see, sometimes we don't always recognize the ways God is good. We want Him to be good how we want him to. Make sense? Our plans. Our desires. Our ways. Time and again He always shows that He is good in his own ways.
May 16, 2014 I graduated. I thought I'd have no trouble finding a job. As classmates were getting jobs before we even graduated I started stressing a little bit about getting a job. A friend kept reminding me that it was 7 months after he graduated before he was able to get a job. I (foolishly) thought there's no way it'll take 7 months for me to get a job. Somehow because that's just how my crazy (or some would say weird) mind works that became my precedent- getting a job before 7 months. Summer kept creeping by and I still had no job. Four months and I'm thinking this really is a problem. I need a job. People are reassuring me that it was five months before they got a job. My turn is coming; there is a job out there for me. Five months comes with the thoughts of I'm a failure. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get a job? Seriously, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one from my class without a job. Seven months is coming pretty soon and nothing is looking hopeful. These thoughts came with the constant reminders from friends not to compare myself to others. Constant encouragement and prayer from both friends and acquaintances. Well, here comes 6 months, fraught with a mini breakdown or two and month seven looming right around the corner.
Less than a week before the 7th month mark I get a call for an interview. At seven months and one day I have an interview, and I am given a job. Rejoice!
In these past seven months (and a day ;-)) I have been humbled, I've been made to think, I've been challenged, I've learned more who I am and what I like, and I have changed. Through this time and experiences God has taught me and instilled in me new interests and passions.Volunteering with Live2Serve and substituting at Mother's Day Out are the two biggest avenues through which these things have occurred.
Live2Serve
I had heard about Live2Serve (L2S) and heard stories from it for a few years. Every time I would hear something about L2S part of me wanted to volunteer with it, but I never had or made time to volunteer. This summer I was in a Bible study and on the very first day of the study was something that made me think of L2S. Then when we met to discuss the Bible study that week there was a lot of talk about serving. To me it was loud and clear that the Lord was telling me now is my chance. I don't have school. I don't have a job. It was still a few weeks before I finally took action and started volunteering. In mid-July I began volunteering, and I didn't really enjoy it at first. I'm not all that into sports and games. The children can be wild and loud. It can be rough. I knew that's where the Lord wanted me though. I prayed about it and stuck with it. My heart gradually changed and I began enjoying it more. When a child draws a butterfly in chalk and writes I love you Emily, then asks, "Did you know love is a very powerful word?" and writes to: my best friend Emily. Or when a child runs out of their house and nearly tackles you to the ground with a hug. Those are the moments that make it worth it. Those are the moments when you realize you must be doing something right. Simply being there, caring, and showing God's love is enough.
Mother's Day Out
A friend's mom asked if I'd be interested in subbing at Mother's Day Out (MDO) while I was still looking for a job. I was convinced kids hated me and didn't really want to sub at MDO, but I thought it'd only be a once or twice a month sort of job. I could manage that, and it would be nice to have a little extra cash so I said yes. Subbing very quickly became an at least once or twice a week job. I began unsure and just hoping to make it through. I'm ending loving those children, especially my little 2 year olds, and being sad that I won't see them anymore. I'm ending wishing that taking a permanent position there as a teacher would have been a feasible possibility. I'm ending with every crying child, every dirty diaper changed, every "mommy?", every "EM-MEE!", all of it being completely worth it. It was so wonderful to have something to do, something I ended up enjoying far more than I imagined, during this time of searching and waiting.
So how have I changed? What have I learned?
I've learned how to serve where I'm at. I've always been globally, international mission minded. It's like serving or doing missions in my own community didn't make sense to me. I just didn't get it. But now I've learned to be locally mission minded. I've learned kids don't hate me (some even love me!). I've learned to loosen up, have fun, and play (although this one could still probably use some more work). I've learned that I want to work with children (at least for now). After an interview which would have been working with adults I realized I would be kind of sad if I wasn't working with children. I have changed. A friend even commented that I am a totally different person from last year.
I thank the Lord for a job, but I also thank the Lord for the past seven months and one day!
Monday, December 22, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
'Twas the Night of Christ's Birth
This is something I started writing a year or two ago and never finished. About a week or so ago, I pulled it out again and was determined to finish it by this Christmas. And finish it I did! I may still make some edits, but I think for the most part this is the final product.
'Twas the Night of Christ's Birth
'Twas the night of Christ's birth, when up in the sky
Was the star of Bethlehem, shining on high
And from Nazareth, a town in Galilee
Was a betrothed couple Joseph and Mary
Caesar Augustus had called for a census
God had bigger plans like the birth of Jesus
Mary and Joseph, it was just she and him
As they journeyed to the town of Bethlehem
The inns were all full, no rooms were available
So there they took rest and gave birth in a stable
Among the animals in a bed made of hay
There in a manger they put the child down to lay
Cows, horse, donkeys, sheep, maybe nothing at all
It is not known what was in the stable stall
But there were two parents who loved their child greatly
Their duty to raise him they accepted bravely
It was an extra-ordinary event
The long expected and anticipated advent
Born of a virgin, the expected one has come
An heir to the throne, He is God's only son
As they were told they gave the child the name Jesus
The Lord saves, Immanuel- God with us
He was born so that one day he would save through the cross
But now in a manger he lies wrapped in cloths
Shepherds were keeping watch over their flocks by night
When an angel appeared and gave them a fright
Do not be afraid the angels proclaimed
A Savior's been born, Jesus he is named
Joining the angels, a heavenly host did appear
They were praising God, there was nothing to fear
It was a meeting of the high and the low
The angels above and the shepherds below
God's holy army and the keeper of sheep
For the first time that Christmas night they did meet
"Glory to God in the highest and peace to men"
This they declared and returned back to heaven
To find baby Jesus, the shepherds they went
What they had seen- to others word was sent
"A babe has been born and he will be King
Salvation to all is what he will bring"
All who heard this wondrous news were amazed
As shepherd returned exalting God with voices raised
While Mary pondered over all that had occurred
Just as it was predicted years ago in the word
Then some years later still following the star
The wise men they traveled from land a-far
They came bearing gifts of gold, incense, and myrrh
They came to praise, worship, and adore
A humble beginning and a triumphant end
One day ev'ry heart will praise, ev'ry knee will bend
Praising the one who was born Christmas day
The one who was born to lead the way
And today people from all over the earth
Take time and remember that most special birth
For the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ is the reason
We have joy and celebrate this Christmas season
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Losing Friends To Do What I Like
"What do you like to do?" The question that started it all.
Recently a friend asked me a couple of questions that I wasn't able to accurately answer. Questions I went home and thought about. And then thought some more. Maybe too much.
One of those questions was, "what do you like to do?" What do I like to do? I actually made a list of things I like to do. Though it might be more accurate to say things I used to like to do. It wasn't a long list, yet most of the things on it I hadn't done in quite a while. For some of them it had been years. School was partly to blame, but it couldn't take the full blame. I'm done with it now. So why wasn't I doing any of those things? What was I doing instead?
I'll tell you what I was doing. (Among very few other things) I was aimlessly scrolling though Facebook. Wasting time. Seeing what "friends" were up to. Then another question to get me thinking. Why am I "friends" with this many people?
There are so many answers to that question, and some of the answers are quite stupid. Thus the friend purge began. With every friend deleted it was like getting rid of excess baggage. It was a relief. Some people I was friends with because I wanted them to see me and my life. How I've changed, my accomplishments, etc. Prideful much? But then I realized I never talk to this person. I never look at their page and see what's happening in their life. Why would they care about me? Bye bye friends. Then there were the people whose page I would visit and only leave with jealousy. So, I'm friend with somebody because I'm jealous of them, their life, their beauty, their happenings. That makes NO sense. There went some more friends. There were people I don't know how or why we became friends and I really don't care about them or what's happening in their life. Don't get me wrong, some of these people are great people, and I hope everything goes well for them in life, but face it I haven't talked to them or them to me (except maybe a happy birthday that they only know of because Facebook told them) and I have no plans of talking to them. Bye friends. These are just a few answers. There are also the many reasons why I actually am friends and remain friends with so many people.
All this ranting and raving to say I now spend less time on Facebook and more time doing what I like to do. I don't find my worth in notifications and likes. Could I still spend even less time? Could I still get rid of more "friends?" Yes and yes. But this is a start.
What do I like to do? I like to read. Write. Cross-stitch (I'm an old lady at heart). Bake. Bike (which is a quite a bit easier and more enjoyable when your bike is fixed and put together correctly). Attempt to sew (the last attempt took a small chunk out of my finger). Learn (National Geographic is my choice for beach read material and I'm teaching myself all the countries, their locations, languages, flags and religions just because I want to know). I like this. This is me.
Recently a friend asked me a couple of questions that I wasn't able to accurately answer. Questions I went home and thought about. And then thought some more. Maybe too much.
One of those questions was, "what do you like to do?" What do I like to do? I actually made a list of things I like to do. Though it might be more accurate to say things I used to like to do. It wasn't a long list, yet most of the things on it I hadn't done in quite a while. For some of them it had been years. School was partly to blame, but it couldn't take the full blame. I'm done with it now. So why wasn't I doing any of those things? What was I doing instead?
I'll tell you what I was doing. (Among very few other things) I was aimlessly scrolling though Facebook. Wasting time. Seeing what "friends" were up to. Then another question to get me thinking. Why am I "friends" with this many people?
There are so many answers to that question, and some of the answers are quite stupid. Thus the friend purge began. With every friend deleted it was like getting rid of excess baggage. It was a relief. Some people I was friends with because I wanted them to see me and my life. How I've changed, my accomplishments, etc. Prideful much? But then I realized I never talk to this person. I never look at their page and see what's happening in their life. Why would they care about me? Bye bye friends. Then there were the people whose page I would visit and only leave with jealousy. So, I'm friend with somebody because I'm jealous of them, their life, their beauty, their happenings. That makes NO sense. There went some more friends. There were people I don't know how or why we became friends and I really don't care about them or what's happening in their life. Don't get me wrong, some of these people are great people, and I hope everything goes well for them in life, but face it I haven't talked to them or them to me (except maybe a happy birthday that they only know of because Facebook told them) and I have no plans of talking to them. Bye friends. These are just a few answers. There are also the many reasons why I actually am friends and remain friends with so many people.
All this ranting and raving to say I now spend less time on Facebook and more time doing what I like to do. I don't find my worth in notifications and likes. Could I still spend even less time? Could I still get rid of more "friends?" Yes and yes. But this is a start.
What do I like to do? I like to read. Write. Cross-stitch (I'm an old lady at heart). Bake. Bike (which is a quite a bit easier and more enjoyable when your bike is fixed and put together correctly). Attempt to sew (the last attempt took a small chunk out of my finger). Learn (National Geographic is my choice for beach read material and I'm teaching myself all the countries, their locations, languages, flags and religions just because I want to know). I like this. This is me.
Monday, April 14, 2014
God's Not Dead but...
Warning: Contains major spoilers from the movie God's Not Dead.
Seriously I'm going to to fast forward and give the cliff note version, skipping pretty much right to the end of the movie.
This is your last chance to avoid spoilers. You've been warned.
Josh Wheaton, a Christian student challenged by his atheist professor, Professor Radisson, gives all his evidence for the existence of God. Professor Radisson admits he hates God because his mother died from cancer when he was 12, and God did not save her. Later he reads a note his mom wrote him. Change of heart happening. He calls his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, a Christian. Presumably to say something along the lines of, "hey, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this God of yours does exist. Tell me more." She doesn't answer. He goes to find her. Cue the car. Bam! While crossing the street he gets hit by the car and dies. In the minute before he dies, while he is lying in the road, the pastor is conveniently there and asks him if he knows Christ. Professor Radisson then gives his life to Christ and dies. He dies!
Great. He's saved. Happy ending. Right?
No!
God's not dead but Professor Radisson is.
Am I the only one sorely upset with the ending? Of the reviews I've read and skimmed none of them have mentioned the ending in this way. If you haven't quite caught on yet I have a slight problem with Professor Radisson dying in the end. (Yes, I realize it's just a movie so I may be looking too far in to it).
Professor Radisson makes a deathbed decision to accept Christ. I am not knocking his decision and saying it's not a genuine decision. It was clear he was on his way towards that decision anyway. Getting hit by a car just kind of sped things up. The way I see it, his deathbed decision was a relatively easy decision. Had he lived he would be faced with actually living out a Christian life. This would be a much greater challenge. His friends and colleagues were atheists. They mocked the idea of believeing in a God. His whole class was taught on the premise that God is dead.
Therefore, having given his life to Christ, if he lived, you would expect a change of character. I mean he would have to change the whole way he teaches his class. Living a Christian life among his colleagues and friends would certainly not be easy. It's safe to assume he would essentially be mocked and persecuted among his colleagues and friends. He would be faced with the choice of standing for Christ or denying Christ.
Christians are not guaranteed an easy life. There will be pain, insults, suffering (Matthew 5:11, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 1:6-7, 1 Peter 3:15-17, 1 Peter 4:12-16). Professor Radisson I'm sure would have faced insults and mocking from his colleagues. He pretty much had a Saul to Paul conversion. Professor Radisson persecuted those who were Christians both in his class and life and tried to destroy their belief in God. Saul persecuted the church of God and tried to destroy it.
So they would have been kind of alike, except Professor Radisson died and didn't get to show a transformed life. His colleagues I'm sure would hear about the decision he made while dying, but having known him as they did, as one who persecuted Christians, would they really even believe it was true? Would they believe someone like him, who hated God, had really given his life to Christ? It's not that it's an impossible thing to believe, but he's not around anymore for them to truly see the change in his life. Their lives would then probably remain unchanged.
In conclusion, I think Professor Radisson should have lived.
Seriously I'm going to to fast forward and give the cliff note version, skipping pretty much right to the end of the movie.
This is your last chance to avoid spoilers. You've been warned.
Josh Wheaton, a Christian student challenged by his atheist professor, Professor Radisson, gives all his evidence for the existence of God. Professor Radisson admits he hates God because his mother died from cancer when he was 12, and God did not save her. Later he reads a note his mom wrote him. Change of heart happening. He calls his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, a Christian. Presumably to say something along the lines of, "hey, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this God of yours does exist. Tell me more." She doesn't answer. He goes to find her. Cue the car. Bam! While crossing the street he gets hit by the car and dies. In the minute before he dies, while he is lying in the road, the pastor is conveniently there and asks him if he knows Christ. Professor Radisson then gives his life to Christ and dies. He dies!
Great. He's saved. Happy ending. Right?
No!
God's not dead but Professor Radisson is.
Am I the only one sorely upset with the ending? Of the reviews I've read and skimmed none of them have mentioned the ending in this way. If you haven't quite caught on yet I have a slight problem with Professor Radisson dying in the end. (Yes, I realize it's just a movie so I may be looking too far in to it).
Professor Radisson makes a deathbed decision to accept Christ. I am not knocking his decision and saying it's not a genuine decision. It was clear he was on his way towards that decision anyway. Getting hit by a car just kind of sped things up. The way I see it, his deathbed decision was a relatively easy decision. Had he lived he would be faced with actually living out a Christian life. This would be a much greater challenge. His friends and colleagues were atheists. They mocked the idea of believeing in a God. His whole class was taught on the premise that God is dead.
Therefore, having given his life to Christ, if he lived, you would expect a change of character. I mean he would have to change the whole way he teaches his class. Living a Christian life among his colleagues and friends would certainly not be easy. It's safe to assume he would essentially be mocked and persecuted among his colleagues and friends. He would be faced with the choice of standing for Christ or denying Christ.
Christians are not guaranteed an easy life. There will be pain, insults, suffering (Matthew 5:11, James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 1:6-7, 1 Peter 3:15-17, 1 Peter 4:12-16). Professor Radisson I'm sure would have faced insults and mocking from his colleagues. He pretty much had a Saul to Paul conversion. Professor Radisson persecuted those who were Christians both in his class and life and tried to destroy their belief in God. Saul persecuted the church of God and tried to destroy it.
So they would have been kind of alike, except Professor Radisson died and didn't get to show a transformed life. His colleagues I'm sure would hear about the decision he made while dying, but having known him as they did, as one who persecuted Christians, would they really even believe it was true? Would they believe someone like him, who hated God, had really given his life to Christ? It's not that it's an impossible thing to believe, but he's not around anymore for them to truly see the change in his life. Their lives would then probably remain unchanged.
In conclusion, I think Professor Radisson should have lived.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Life Lately
Stress. Stress. Stress. And some more stress.
What does all this stress do to an individual? Well, I haven't slept well in weeks. Headaches, there have been a few. Upset stomachs? Some of those too. A couple of weeks ago I was the nearest I've ever been to having an anxiety attack, my breathing was getting pretty shallow. And as of last night you can add nose bleed. I used to take Valerian root some nights when I knew I couldn't get my mind to shut down. Now I take it day and night to help stay calm.
It's all really just from one class, seminar, and the paper for it. One of the two papers that determine if I graduate. I'm trying but I guess my efforts just aren't showing. And I'm just going to end that here.
This week made 10 years since I accepted Christ. It's great to be able to look back and see how much I've grown spiritually since 8th grade. That's what I needed now. A reminder to continue seeking the Lord and trust in Him.
What does all this stress do to an individual? Well, I haven't slept well in weeks. Headaches, there have been a few. Upset stomachs? Some of those too. A couple of weeks ago I was the nearest I've ever been to having an anxiety attack, my breathing was getting pretty shallow. And as of last night you can add nose bleed. I used to take Valerian root some nights when I knew I couldn't get my mind to shut down. Now I take it day and night to help stay calm.
It's all really just from one class, seminar, and the paper for it. One of the two papers that determine if I graduate. I'm trying but I guess my efforts just aren't showing. And I'm just going to end that here.
This week made 10 years since I accepted Christ. It's great to be able to look back and see how much I've grown spiritually since 8th grade. That's what I needed now. A reminder to continue seeking the Lord and trust in Him.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
When it Rains it Pours...and then Snows
When it rains it pours. Well then it hasn't stopped raining since before the Christmas break. And apparently that rain eventually turns to snow.
Here's to 24! May it be everything 23 wasn't! I'm not actually sure what that's supposed to mean but it seemed like the right thing to say. So yeah, I had a birthday. I'm 24. That's really all I have to say about that.
I began a post a couple of weeks ago and never finished (as per usual) so I'll combine that post with this one and have seeming little cohesion between thoughts.
The week of the 12th I had my high and low point of the week within a 2 day period, really within a 24 hour period. January 12 at 3:25pm my maw-maw passed away. January 13 at 1:30pm I took and passed the Praxis for SLP.
A not so good Christmas break led into an already stressful final semester of school. Christmas break consisted of studying practically everyday for the Praxis, my dad being diagnosed with Parkinson's (educate yourself), maw-maw being hospitalized and passing. That last one's been the hardest.
At 95 years old, maw-maw lived a full life. When she passed away there was sadness, regret, and anger. Lots of anger. What's happened has happened, can't change the past, so the anger has subsided. In it's place the sadness has grown. I do find comfort in knowing she is at home with the Lord, but it's still hard knowing she isn't hear anymore. Life has changed. What will Tuesdays when I don't have school look like? What will Saturdays when I'm not working be like now? What about holidays? Tuesdays, Saturdays, and holidays will all continue to happen but Maw-maw is no longer here. As her house (which she lived in for over 70 years!) has been being cleaned out my mom asked me multiple times what I wanted. Yeah, I have a few items, but none of them are what I really want. What I want is maw-maw. What I want is for everything to stay exactly where it is and nothing change. I can't get what I want though. What I want is impossible. Sometimes I wonder if the sadness will ever leave. It's not an overwhelming or continual thing but it hits me, usually at night when I should have gone to bed a couple of hours ago, and I just have to cry a little.
School has begun. Barely. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and I have been to 3 classes. Seminar may be the death od me. All the reading and discussing. (Side note: I write comments/questions on the articles. Last week I wrote a comment about my comment:,"punny" and this week an article left me writing "wtf" at one point. Don't judge). Discussing...that means talking, kind of a lot. So this semester already has me stressed. It comes in waves. There are moments when I think there's no way I can make it through this semester. Then I finish reading an article and I think I can do this. Only 4 more months, really not even that long.
Clinic should have started this week but "snow" prevented that. The past three days have had a winter weather advisory. School was closed Tuesday and Wednesday and EBPRSS (which my clinic schedule is following) was closed today as well because of ice.
My car went from just having a flat tire to having a bad ball joint. Then to having a dead battery. Then to nope, not the battery might be the starter. Everything is further complicated by an uncontrollable car alarm. This has been in less than a weeks time. It'd be okay if we were only down one car, but we're not. Nope, we're down 2 (Daddy's truck hasn't been working since about Thanksgiving-ish), so that means 2 working vehicles for 4 people.
What were my new year "resolutions"? Be happy. Be positive. Be kind. Looks like I've got some work to do.
I'm handling things okay though, I think. Better than last year, but let's (meaning "let me") stop comparing to last year.
The Lord has brought some new people into my life. I think the Lord brings new people into your life at just the right time, when you need it, when you need them.
This was rambly (yeah, I'm making up words too), and long, and disjointed. Nor did I say some of the things I had intended to in the original post. They need more thinking over and Biblical searching.
And...end post.
Here's to 24! May it be everything 23 wasn't! I'm not actually sure what that's supposed to mean but it seemed like the right thing to say. So yeah, I had a birthday. I'm 24. That's really all I have to say about that.
I began a post a couple of weeks ago and never finished (as per usual) so I'll combine that post with this one and have seeming little cohesion between thoughts.
The week of the 12th I had my high and low point of the week within a 2 day period, really within a 24 hour period. January 12 at 3:25pm my maw-maw passed away. January 13 at 1:30pm I took and passed the Praxis for SLP.
A not so good Christmas break led into an already stressful final semester of school. Christmas break consisted of studying practically everyday for the Praxis, my dad being diagnosed with Parkinson's (educate yourself), maw-maw being hospitalized and passing. That last one's been the hardest.
At 95 years old, maw-maw lived a full life. When she passed away there was sadness, regret, and anger. Lots of anger. What's happened has happened, can't change the past, so the anger has subsided. In it's place the sadness has grown. I do find comfort in knowing she is at home with the Lord, but it's still hard knowing she isn't hear anymore. Life has changed. What will Tuesdays when I don't have school look like? What will Saturdays when I'm not working be like now? What about holidays? Tuesdays, Saturdays, and holidays will all continue to happen but Maw-maw is no longer here. As her house (which she lived in for over 70 years!) has been being cleaned out my mom asked me multiple times what I wanted. Yeah, I have a few items, but none of them are what I really want. What I want is maw-maw. What I want is for everything to stay exactly where it is and nothing change. I can't get what I want though. What I want is impossible. Sometimes I wonder if the sadness will ever leave. It's not an overwhelming or continual thing but it hits me, usually at night when I should have gone to bed a couple of hours ago, and I just have to cry a little.
School has begun. Barely. It's been 2 1/2 weeks and I have been to 3 classes. Seminar may be the death od me. All the reading and discussing. (Side note: I write comments/questions on the articles. Last week I wrote a comment about my comment:,"punny" and this week an article left me writing "wtf" at one point. Don't judge). Discussing...that means talking, kind of a lot. So this semester already has me stressed. It comes in waves. There are moments when I think there's no way I can make it through this semester. Then I finish reading an article and I think I can do this. Only 4 more months, really not even that long.
Clinic should have started this week but "snow" prevented that. The past three days have had a winter weather advisory. School was closed Tuesday and Wednesday and EBPRSS (which my clinic schedule is following) was closed today as well because of ice.
My car went from just having a flat tire to having a bad ball joint. Then to having a dead battery. Then to nope, not the battery might be the starter. Everything is further complicated by an uncontrollable car alarm. This has been in less than a weeks time. It'd be okay if we were only down one car, but we're not. Nope, we're down 2 (Daddy's truck hasn't been working since about Thanksgiving-ish), so that means 2 working vehicles for 4 people.
What were my new year "resolutions"? Be happy. Be positive. Be kind. Looks like I've got some work to do.
I'm handling things okay though, I think. Better than last year, but let's (meaning "let me") stop comparing to last year.
The Lord has brought some new people into my life. I think the Lord brings new people into your life at just the right time, when you need it, when you need them.
This was rambly (yeah, I'm making up words too), and long, and disjointed. Nor did I say some of the things I had intended to in the original post. They need more thinking over and Biblical searching.
And...end post.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Pot Calling the Kettle Black
I'm pretty sure between my post about resolutions and my comments made on facebook I've contradicted myself. And the very "resolutions" I did make aren't just new year resolutions. The resolutions I made shouldn't be just year changes but life changes. New life resolutions. Be positive, happy, patient, kind. Those aren't things to do or change just for a year and then be done with them. A new year resolution should be something to do the year and then if you don't keep it up for the following years then no biggie. A new year resolution would be read a book a month (I wish! Once school starts, no chance). What is something I can or want to do this year. I'm not sure. Turn my computer off and unplug at least an hour before "bed time." Which is hard when I don't go to bed at a set time. Computer off by 11pm? Again though, that's something that would probably be better for more than just this year.
Classic Emily overthinking.
Classic Emily overthinking.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
It's a New Year
Posts two days in a row! What!? Well, I've been doing some thinking. Actually, not that much thinking, but I have thoughts. Now I try to make them make sense in words outside of my mind.
When I didn't really have a functioning computer a few weeks ago it was great! That obviously meant less timespent wasted online. The past few days particularly I've found myself wasting so much time online. Checking the same few sites I visit and finding nothing new or interesting on them. I'm bored with them but keep going back again and again.
I've kind of started hating facebook, or at least the overshares. I mean that in multiple ways. The people who overshare and the articles that get overshared. The articles that get overshared are actually sometimes good. I share some myself. I guess my qualm with this is when conversations in the real world begin with, "Did you see/read on facebook." Okay, so that goes beyond just articles, videos, and what not. Whatever. The oversharers. The people. I've "hidden" or whatever you call it so many people because really I don't care that much about what's happening in their life. Sorry. I don't care if it's your "first group date as a married couple." So? Is that really that significant or interesting to others. I probably shouldn't be complaining about oversharers because I'm sure I do it too. Whatever.
("Whatever" is kind of my ending point/sign of defeat/i don't care/i say it like I really don't care but really do care. You figure out which it is right now).
Also, and this one goes back to people posting on facebook (sensing a pattern here...Facebook used to be good for staying in touch...now it's just a nuisance), so many people posting about the past year and new year. In and of itself, not a bad thing. Makes sense, it is January 1 after all. What's bothering me about it is in their reflection of the past year it's all me, me, me centered. I get that they're sharing about their past year, but it's all about their accomplishments. I did this. I did that. I, I, I. Yes, take pride in your accomplishments, be proud. But there is a fine line between being proud and being prideful. Wait a minute. I just said don't be prideful, but I also said take pride. What kind of semantics game am I trying to play?! The difference is humility.
Maybe I'm just sore because I look back on 2013 and I don't see that I've accomplished much. What I do see is the Lord taught me to wait and be okay with waiting. I see friends praying for and with me to get through difficult times. I see those as my highlights of 2013.
When I didn't really have a functioning computer a few weeks ago it was great! That obviously meant less time
I've kind of started hating facebook, or at least the overshares. I mean that in multiple ways. The people who overshare and the articles that get overshared. The articles that get overshared are actually sometimes good. I share some myself. I guess my qualm with this is when conversations in the real world begin with, "Did you see/read
("Whatever" is kind of my ending point/sign of defeat/i don't care/i say it like I really don't care but really do care. You figure out which it is right now).
Also, and this one goes back to people posting on facebook (sensing a pattern here...Facebook used to be good for staying in touch...now it's just a nuisance), so many people posting about the past year and new year. In and of itself, not a bad thing. Makes sense, it is January 1 after all. What's bothering me about it is in their reflection of the past year it's all me, me, me centered. I get that they're sharing about their past year, but it's all about their accomplishments. I did this. I did that. I, I, I. Yes, take pride in your accomplishments, be proud. But there is a fine line between being proud and being prideful. Wait a minute. I just said don't be prideful, but I also said take pride. What kind of semantics game am I trying to play?! The difference is humility.
Maybe I'm just sore because I look back on 2013 and I don't see that I've accomplished much. What I do see is the Lord taught me to wait and be okay with waiting. I see friends praying for and with me to get through difficult times. I see those as my highlights of 2013.
Finally, I
thought I’d have no resolutions for the new year. Why make them? I don’t keep
them. But I did. They’re not too specific but things I need/want to work on.
- Be more positive.
- Be happy.
- Be patient.
- Be kind.
Now I think I shall go share this one facebook...oversharing?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The ending of...
I wanted to say "the ending of an era" but that's not true. "The ending of the year" or "the ending of 2013" just doesn't sound as cool. I could have said "2013 it's finally over!" Last year I was the one saying I didn't understand why people were saying good riddance to 2012 and so ready for the new year. I enjoyed 2012. Well, this year it is I loudly declaring, "Good riddance 2013!"
I'm ready for 2014. I think subconsciously I'm even more ready for 2014 than I realize. A couple weeks a go I was writing checks and wrote the year as 14. Oops. Haha!
So now is the point where I'm supposed to reflect back on 2013 but I'd rather not. Instead of reflecting I tend to only single out the bad moments (or months) and ruminate on them. What's past is past. Let's leave it there and try to move on. For clarification, that's not to say there were no good moments at all in 2013. It's just that it seems the bad outweighed the good and I'm ready for a new year.
It's weird to think in many places, actually by now over half the world, is already in 2014. Our world right now is living in 2 different years! Crazy.
I'm ready for 2014. I think subconsciously I'm even more ready for 2014 than I realize. A couple weeks a go I was writing checks and wrote the year as 14. Oops. Haha!
So now is the point where I'm supposed to reflect back on 2013 but I'd rather not. Instead of reflecting I tend to only single out the bad moments (or months) and ruminate on them. What's past is past. Let's leave it there and try to move on. For clarification, that's not to say there were no good moments at all in 2013. It's just that it seems the bad outweighed the good and I'm ready for a new year.
It's weird to think in many places, actually by now over half the world, is already in 2014. Our world right now is living in 2 different years! Crazy.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Learning to Wait
There's something I've been thinking about for a quite a while now, and the past week or so has been no exception. If anything I've been thinking about it more. I feel like I'm in this state of transition, and I feel like I have been in this state for a while. Here's the thing, I know the areas in life and the things I have been thinking about during this time, but I don't know exactly what it is I'm transitioning into or what I'm transitioning from for that matter. Nor do I know how long this transition is going to last. And I'm okay with that.
Over the past week I read Psalm 27:14 and really took it to heart, and then yesterday while looking for something else completely unrelated I came across a song I had forgotten about, While I'm Waiting.
And now that I've got that rambling out, here's a brief update on life since it's been 2 months since I last posted anything. Clinics have been over for a week now and I'm just 1 case study, 1 project, 2 presentations, and 2 finals away from finishing the semester.
It has been a truly great semester. I did't realize until a few weeks ago that this is probably the first semester where there wasn't constant stress. Therapy plans, reports, clinics, classes, assignments, tests. That's what the previous semesters, being on campus for clinic, have looked like. This semester I was off campus at Promise Hospital, and I loved it! I could rave on about how much I enjoyed it and how much I learned. My supervisor there was just wonderful. It was the first time I was sorry to see a clinic end. My supervisor and I did make it into an ad in the NSSLHA (National Student Speech Language Hearing Association, yeah it's a mouthful, that's why we go with the abbreviation pronounced "nish-luh") newsletter.
Over the past week I read Psalm 27:14 and really took it to heart, and then yesterday while looking for something else completely unrelated I came across a song I had forgotten about, While I'm Waiting.
"Wait for the LORD, be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
So there's kind of a lot of uncertainty floating around. I don't know what is going to happen or when. But like the song says, I am hopeful, and I am peaceful. I wait patiently and faithfully. "I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting, I will serve You." Those words just ring so true right now. There are things I wish I could know now, but at the same time I am okay with not knowing. I really am peaceful and hopeful about the future.
In this time it's like I'm in the middle of something, I don't know what, I guess just a stage in life, and I'm not going forward but I'm not going backward either. I'm waiting, trusting, and growing in faith. I don't know how long this transition will continue. So I wait. And right now I'm okay with the waiting.
And now that I've got that rambling out, here's a brief update on life since it's been 2 months since I last posted anything. Clinics have been over for a week now and I'm just 1 case study, 1 project, 2 presentations, and 2 finals away from finishing the semester.
It has been a truly great semester. I did't realize until a few weeks ago that this is probably the first semester where there wasn't constant stress. Therapy plans, reports, clinics, classes, assignments, tests. That's what the previous semesters, being on campus for clinic, have looked like. This semester I was off campus at Promise Hospital, and I loved it! I could rave on about how much I enjoyed it and how much I learned. My supervisor there was just wonderful. It was the first time I was sorry to see a clinic end. My supervisor and I did make it into an ad in the NSSLHA (National Student Speech Language Hearing Association, yeah it's a mouthful, that's why we go with the abbreviation pronounced "nish-luh") newsletter.
The completely unrelated thing I was looking for when I came across the song was this video. Enjoy.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
This Week is Against Me
This week has been and still is absolutely against me.
Sunday it began with my car still not working. Sunday night I set my alarm on my phone for 6:30am. I saw my battery was low so I plugged it in to charge overnight while I slept.
A little after 7:00am on Monday morning my mom wakes me up, "Don't you have class at 8?" "What time is it?" "A little after 7." Great. My alarm didn't just not go off, my whole phone was off. It wouldn't turn back on either. I took the battery out put it back, still wouldn't work. Left the battery out a few hours while I was in class, which didn't go so well either. Still would not work when I put it back in. Took my phone to an AT&T store in the afternoon to find out if it's just the battery or the device. From what they could tell, it's the device. $170 later I have a new phone. A windows phone. It's pretty cool but wasn't planning on dropping that kind of money on a phone any time soon and it doesn't have the same apps as Apple and Android phones, not that I had many apps to begin with. Oh and I essentially lost all my contacts. So if I didn't have someone's number in my phone from 2 phones ago (so basically anyone whose number I got this year) I no longer have. I must say the people at AT&T were very nice. They've been nice at every AT&T store I've been to, further making me glad to switch from Sprint to AT&T. C
Tuesday, my most dreaded day, was actually decent. No real complaint here. Although I did attempt to run the neighborhood when I woke up. This summer I was running 3 miles no problem. I couldn't even make it around the neighborhood, which is less than 1 mile, without walking. I'm going with the excuse that I just woken up. It probably doesn't help that I've only run maybe 2 miles total in the past 2 months.
Wednesday started out good. Then while at Promise Hospital my stomach started hurting. I'm not sure how long exactly this lasted but it was between 1 and 2 hours. It wasn't just a normal little stomach ache. It really hurt. I was nauseous and felt weak. I had a hot flash or two. I really thought there might be a possibility of me passing out. I trucked on through it though and never said anything. Couple hours later I was fine. The only thing I had that morning was a honey bun and apple juice. When I got home I checked the apple juice. It expired August 7. It was September 25. That probably did it. It tasted fine though and I didn't look at the date before drinking it. I guess expiration dates sometimes are more than just suggestions.
Wednesday doesn't end there. I get home from the hospital my mom tells me we're down to 2 cars. Daddy's truck broke down. Four person household with very different schedules now down to 2 working vehicles.
But wait, Wednesday still is not over! I get home from babysitting that night and I'm sitting on my bed doing work. It's 11 something. I see a mouse dart out from under my dresser then dart back under. I go tell my mom. She says it's probably the same one that was in Annie's room earlier. She tells me mice don't climb so it won't bother me. I go back to my room. The first thing I think is "Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock." I kept hearing it when turned off the light and I could tell where it was. There are papers and all my school stuff right by my bed. It was there. It was under my desk, also right by my bed. It was under the dresser. It was on the plates in front of the chest of drawers. It was everywhere. I got 2 hours of sleep that night.
At this point what else could happen. It's gotten to the point where it's all just laughable. That doesn't make it any better really but it's better than Monday when I had a small breakdown right before lunch and not much had even happened yet.
Thursday I don't think there were any big things that went wrong. I got the seat at the table legs. Never fails. And the can of coke I grabbed was leaking. I guess these were just like rubbing salt in the wounds of the bad week.
Friday started out good. I took my senior pictures for the Gumbo and enjoyed talking to the photographer. I got to share briefly about some of the places I've been on mission trips and talk about the Lord. There was no Gospel presentation but I was at least able to tell him I went because that's where the Lord called me to go. He asked if I'd go to Afghanistan. Iraq. Russia. I said yes, if the Lord calls me to go there I will go. So there was some really good stuff on Friday. I actually don't want to "publicly" get into what was bad on Friday but I'll leave it at this, things were said that no one wants to hear.
And now today, Saturday. LSU lost. I thought that would be the worst thing. I come back to my room after taking a shower and what do I see? The mouse jumping off my bed! Mice don't climb she said. Looks like it'll be another sleepless night.
Sunday it began with my car still not working. Sunday night I set my alarm on my phone for 6:30am. I saw my battery was low so I plugged it in to charge overnight while I slept.
A little after 7:00am on Monday morning my mom wakes me up, "Don't you have class at 8?" "What time is it?" "A little after 7." Great. My alarm didn't just not go off, my whole phone was off. It wouldn't turn back on either. I took the battery out put it back, still wouldn't work. Left the battery out a few hours while I was in class, which didn't go so well either. Still would not work when I put it back in. Took my phone to an AT&T store in the afternoon to find out if it's just the battery or the device. From what they could tell, it's the device. $170 later I have a new phone. A windows phone. It's pretty cool but wasn't planning on dropping that kind of money on a phone any time soon and it doesn't have the same apps as Apple and Android phones, not that I had many apps to begin with. Oh and I essentially lost all my contacts. So if I didn't have someone's number in my phone from 2 phones ago (so basically anyone whose number I got this year) I no longer have. I must say the people at AT&T were very nice. They've been nice at every AT&T store I've been to, further making me glad to switch from Sprint to AT&T. C
Tuesday, my most dreaded day, was actually decent. No real complaint here. Although I did attempt to run the neighborhood when I woke up. This summer I was running 3 miles no problem. I couldn't even make it around the neighborhood, which is less than 1 mile, without walking. I'm going with the excuse that I just woken up. It probably doesn't help that I've only run maybe 2 miles total in the past 2 months.
Wednesday started out good. Then while at Promise Hospital my stomach started hurting. I'm not sure how long exactly this lasted but it was between 1 and 2 hours. It wasn't just a normal little stomach ache. It really hurt. I was nauseous and felt weak. I had a hot flash or two. I really thought there might be a possibility of me passing out. I trucked on through it though and never said anything. Couple hours later I was fine. The only thing I had that morning was a honey bun and apple juice. When I got home I checked the apple juice. It expired August 7. It was September 25. That probably did it. It tasted fine though and I didn't look at the date before drinking it. I guess expiration dates sometimes are more than just suggestions.
Wednesday doesn't end there. I get home from the hospital my mom tells me we're down to 2 cars. Daddy's truck broke down. Four person household with very different schedules now down to 2 working vehicles.
But wait, Wednesday still is not over! I get home from babysitting that night and I'm sitting on my bed doing work. It's 11 something. I see a mouse dart out from under my dresser then dart back under. I go tell my mom. She says it's probably the same one that was in Annie's room earlier. She tells me mice don't climb so it won't bother me. I go back to my room. The first thing I think is "Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock." I kept hearing it when turned off the light and I could tell where it was. There are papers and all my school stuff right by my bed. It was there. It was under my desk, also right by my bed. It was under the dresser. It was on the plates in front of the chest of drawers. It was everywhere. I got 2 hours of sleep that night.
At this point what else could happen. It's gotten to the point where it's all just laughable. That doesn't make it any better really but it's better than Monday when I had a small breakdown right before lunch and not much had even happened yet.
Thursday I don't think there were any big things that went wrong. I got the seat at the table legs. Never fails. And the can of coke I grabbed was leaking. I guess these were just like rubbing salt in the wounds of the bad week.
Friday started out good. I took my senior pictures for the Gumbo and enjoyed talking to the photographer. I got to share briefly about some of the places I've been on mission trips and talk about the Lord. There was no Gospel presentation but I was at least able to tell him I went because that's where the Lord called me to go. He asked if I'd go to Afghanistan. Iraq. Russia. I said yes, if the Lord calls me to go there I will go. So there was some really good stuff on Friday. I actually don't want to "publicly" get into what was bad on Friday but I'll leave it at this, things were said that no one wants to hear.
And now today, Saturday. LSU lost. I thought that would be the worst thing. I come back to my room after taking a shower and what do I see? The mouse jumping off my bed! Mice don't climb she said. Looks like it'll be another sleepless night.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Out of Control
Another delayed entry, but what else would you expect from me. I meant to complete this post in August right after the JBC college leadership retreat (Aug. 18-19). Since it's so delayed anyway, I'll delay a little bit more by beginning it with a side (and a bit unrelated) story.
As I type "out of control" I think of and hear in my mind Hoobastank's song by that title. Which reminds me of the time we sang the chorus of The Reason in worship at a youth camp back in 2004. Oh my. Out of Control was not sung in any kind of worship service, I wasn't even sure of all the words until I looked it up just a few minutes ago, but it does indeed do a pretty decent job of describing how I was feeling about a month ago.
About a month ago, earlier in the week before the retreat, I felt like I lost all control. I don't know why I felt this way. There was nothing particularly wrong or bad going on (that I recall), but I felt like I had no control over anything. I distinctly remember driving and thinking, "I have no control over my life anymore, I've lost control of my own life." I don't know how to further describe it, but it was not a comfortable feeling.
At the leadership retreat on Sunday night we gathered by the flag pole on campus and had a time of worship through music and prayer. During that time we sang From the Inside Out. If you know me, you know I'm a rather emotional person. There's a line in the song that says, "My heart and my soul, Lord I give You control." Well, as you can guess, that's the part when I broke down. The Lord knows what we need to hear, when we need to hear it.
Singing those words was like a surrender to the Lord. I'm trying to and wanting to control my life, but my life is in His hands. He has it under control. I'm brought back to that place where I can say everything is okay. No, life isn't all frolicking through fields of flowers with rainbows overhead and thoughts of unicorns and puppies (is that too much?), but that's okay. Even tonight I'm seeing how the pieces are just falling into place. The Lord is sovereign. He is in control.
There will be uncomfortable times. There will be uncertain times. The Lord doesn't call us to be comfortable or certain at all times. The Israelites wandered in the wilderness, following a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, uncertain of when they would reach the Promised Land. Jesus sent the disciples out telling them to bring nothing with them, no gold or silver, not even an extra tunic. Jesus himself spent 40 days in the desert fasting. He was hungry and he was tempted. These are but a few examples.
Life will get uncomfortable. It will get hard. There will be uncertainty. Above all these remember who is in control. Who created you, knows the days of your life, and has plans for you. It won't always be easy but have faith and trust in the Lord.
As I type "out of control" I think of and hear in my mind Hoobastank's song by that title. Which reminds me of the time we sang the chorus of The Reason in worship at a youth camp back in 2004. Oh my. Out of Control was not sung in any kind of worship service, I wasn't even sure of all the words until I looked it up just a few minutes ago, but it does indeed do a pretty decent job of describing how I was feeling about a month ago.
About a month ago, earlier in the week before the retreat, I felt like I lost all control. I don't know why I felt this way. There was nothing particularly wrong or bad going on (that I recall), but I felt like I had no control over anything. I distinctly remember driving and thinking, "I have no control over my life anymore, I've lost control of my own life." I don't know how to further describe it, but it was not a comfortable feeling.
At the leadership retreat on Sunday night we gathered by the flag pole on campus and had a time of worship through music and prayer. During that time we sang From the Inside Out. If you know me, you know I'm a rather emotional person. There's a line in the song that says, "My heart and my soul, Lord I give You control." Well, as you can guess, that's the part when I broke down. The Lord knows what we need to hear, when we need to hear it.
Singing those words was like a surrender to the Lord. I'm trying to and wanting to control my life, but my life is in His hands. He has it under control. I'm brought back to that place where I can say everything is okay. No, life isn't all frolicking through fields of flowers with rainbows overhead and thoughts of unicorns and puppies (is that too much?), but that's okay. Even tonight I'm seeing how the pieces are just falling into place. The Lord is sovereign. He is in control.
There will be uncomfortable times. There will be uncertain times. The Lord doesn't call us to be comfortable or certain at all times. The Israelites wandered in the wilderness, following a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, uncertain of when they would reach the Promised Land. Jesus sent the disciples out telling them to bring nothing with them, no gold or silver, not even an extra tunic. Jesus himself spent 40 days in the desert fasting. He was hungry and he was tempted. These are but a few examples.
Life will get uncomfortable. It will get hard. There will be uncertainty. Above all these remember who is in control. Who created you, knows the days of your life, and has plans for you. It won't always be easy but have faith and trust in the Lord.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
I am Blessed
Last week I was at Collegiate Week in Glorieta. This was my 4th year going. In 2010 and 2012 the truth I learned while at Glorieta was life changing. I honestly don't remember much from 2011. I kind of had a lot going on that year and a lot to process while at Glorieta, having just gotten off a plane from SE Asia, going home for a few hours, and then getting in a car to drive to Glorieta. This year I do not feel like I grew much during the week.
It's a hard reality realizing not every camp, conference, etc. will be life changing or result in these deep spiritual revelations of truth. That is not to say the Lord was not at work during the week. Maybe one day looking back on the week and (the few) notes I took I will learn more from the week. The biggest thing I did take away from the week, I am blessed, came from one song that we sang one night.
On Wednesday night we sang 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). The following verse is what hit me:
It's a hard reality realizing not every camp, conference, etc. will be life changing or result in these deep spiritual revelations of truth. That is not to say the Lord was not at work during the week. Maybe one day looking back on the week and (the few) notes I took I will learn more from the week. The biggest thing I did take away from the week, I am blessed, came from one song that we sang one night.
On Wednesday night we sang 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). The following verse is what hit me:
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
With that I thought back to last year. I remembered the circumstances I was in last year when we sang that song. I spent that summer going to numerous doctor's appointments. I haven't talked much about it, but there were a couple of weeks when I knew cancer was a very real possibility. When two doctors both ask multiple times if a certain cancer runs in the family and then a procedure is done to find out what is wrong and if it is cancer, you don't have to be a genius to realize cancer is a possibility. (For clarification I do not have cancer and the problem I was having has since been taken care of and gone away). During those weeks, I let my mind go there, to the possibility of cancer and what that would mean in my life. I was okay with it. I had a peace with whatever would happen. I was even okay with death. I really let my mind go all the way to the "worst" possibility.
Then approximately December through March was a rough time for me. Again, not something I've talked too much about, at least not how rough it really was. When I have mentioned it I usually just say it was a rough time, it was hard, things were pretty crappy. I guess I tried to keep the extent of it to myself because as I was talking to a friend during the week and opening up about it she remarked that she knew I was having a tough time but didn't realize it was that bad. If she didn't know, then I doubt anybody realized how bad it was. I never sought any help, but there is no doubt in my mind I was depressed. There were weeks when I had no appetite. I didn't have interest in anything. I didn't open a textbook until about a week before midterms. Many, too many, days I just wanted to break down crying. All I wanted to do was sleep. There were little things that made my stomach turn. There were little problems but no "big" things to make me feel this way.
The past few weeks there have been moments here and there and I start feeling like I did then. I am terrified of going back to that. Since March I've been living in this fear of that happening again and I can't do that again.
Last year as I sang that song it was like a thanks to the Lord that I don't have cancer or anything seriously wrong but even if I did Lord, I will praise you. This year as I sang it I realized how blessed I am. How blessed I am that I have more years to praise Him here on this earth. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. Those fears of being depressed melted away. I hope it's not only temporary. When those feelings come back I need to remind myself, I need my friends to remind me, how blessed I am. I have nothing to fear. I have no need to be depressed. I have Christ as my Savior. He died for me. I am forgiven. One day I will spend eternity with Him.
I am blessed.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
See Me
I see myself as:
emotional
caring
sarcastic
People call me "cute." People call me weird. People call me funny.
I get defined as quiet and skinny.
Please look beyond my volume and size.
See me.
See me. The girl who cringes at the thought of being called girly yet has taken an interest in makeup, fashion, hair, pink fingernail polish, and all things girly lately.
See me. The girl who is wants to be more mature but is stuck feeling like a child.
See me. The girl who over the past year has developed such a sense of caring that she cares too much.
See me. The girl who speaks softly and sparingly but at times is busting at the seams with things to say.
See me. The girl who is trying to live for Christ and is recognizing that that sometimes means being transparent about struggles and questions.
See me. The girl who regularly reads National Geographic magazines and Lovelyish- a style and beauty blog.
See me. The girl who acts like she isn't into chick flicks but is secretly a hopeless romantic.
See me. The girl who hates waking up early but would rather get stuff done and have classes in the morning.
See me the girl who cries and at the same times laughs at herself for crying.
See me the girl who cries and at the same times laughs at herself for crying.
See me. The girl who really wants to continue this list because it barely scratches the surface but is running out of thoughts at this latish hour.
See me.
Thank you for my Weaknesses
I had a mini come to Jesus moment this afternoon.
Thank you Lord for my weaknesses. Instead of feeling sorry for myself about my weaknesses I need to thank the Lord for them. I need to pray that He will use me through those weaknesses and that they may be beneficial to His kingdom.
My weaknesses pale in comparison to the struggles Paul went through but encouragement is found 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Thank you Lord for my weaknesses. Instead of feeling sorry for myself about my weaknesses I need to thank the Lord for them. I need to pray that He will use me through those weaknesses and that they may be beneficial to His kingdom.
My weaknesses pale in comparison to the struggles Paul went through but encouragement is found 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Monday, August 12, 2013
The Problem with Introversion
I am an introvert. No denying it. I didn't even know what an introvert or extrovert were until a few years ago. It wasn't until relatively recently that I actually knew anything about them other than a very basic, maybe not the most accurate, definition. In the past 6 months I feel I've been reminded of it and the fact that I am an introvert a few times too many.
After going to Glorieta I realized how much of an introvert I am. Too many times I needed to get away from people. By the time it was time to leave I was actually saying, "I need to not be around people." It was just too many people and too much noise and chaos for me. Lack of sleep probably did not help any.
So what is my problem with introverts? It a multifaceted problem but I'll try my best to break it down and explain it in two points.
Introvert.
It's a label. I don't like labels. I don't particularly like this label because it's like I can just use it as a crutch or an excuse. I feel it gets taken as a one size fits all label, that all introverts are the same in that they fit every aspect of the label. This is simply not true. It is stated in some articles I've read that it's a myth that introverts are shy. But I am often shy. Shy and introverted, double whammy! I've also read introverts are not thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. Lies! I don't even see how that has anything to do with being an introvert or extrovert. Balls to the wall!
I've seen/read countless articles about introverts: why the world needs introverts, myths about introverts, etc. All these articles, books, TED talks are attempting to define introverts and clarify that introversion is normal and acceptable. It comes off more to me as justifying introversion. That upsets me. Why does it need to be justified? If it's so normal and acceptable though then why are all these necessary. Why do I not see the same number of articles and such on extroversion? It all makes me feel like introversion is an exception or oddity.
Introversion. I don't like it. It is who I am.
After going to Glorieta I realized how much of an introvert I am. Too many times I needed to get away from people. By the time it was time to leave I was actually saying, "I need to not be around people." It was just too many people and too much noise and chaos for me. Lack of sleep probably did not help any.
So what is my problem with introverts? It a multifaceted problem but I'll try my best to break it down and explain it in two points.
Introvert.
It's a label. I don't like labels. I don't particularly like this label because it's like I can just use it as a crutch or an excuse. I feel it gets taken as a one size fits all label, that all introverts are the same in that they fit every aspect of the label. This is simply not true. It is stated in some articles I've read that it's a myth that introverts are shy. But I am often shy. Shy and introverted, double whammy! I've also read introverts are not thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. Lies! I don't even see how that has anything to do with being an introvert or extrovert. Balls to the wall!
I've seen/read countless articles about introverts: why the world needs introverts, myths about introverts, etc. All these articles, books, TED talks are attempting to define introverts and clarify that introversion is normal and acceptable. It comes off more to me as justifying introversion. That upsets me. Why does it need to be justified? If it's so normal and acceptable though then why are all these necessary. Why do I not see the same number of articles and such on extroversion? It all makes me feel like introversion is an exception or oddity.
Introversion. I don't like it. It is who I am.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Year One is Done
Year one of grad school is complete! It has been for a few weeks but as per usual I am late at blogging about it. Technically during the summer we start considering ourselves 2nd years but to me it's still the end of the first year not the beginning of the second year.
The summer session has left me questioning some things. Mainly what population do I want to work with. I thought I was pretty decided on wanting to work with adults. Then I had two children clients and I really enjoyed it. I dressed up like a pirate and went on a treasure hunt, dressed like princesses (which just ight have included me putting on an old prom dress one day), played games, hopscotch, made cookies, and went skating! Working with kids can be fun. Working with adults contains a bit more structure. So the big question now is "adults or children?"
I know it doesn't have to be an either/or, and I'll actually have more opportunities with a desire and willingness to work with any age, but I guess I just wanted to find a job and just love it so much that I stay at it forever. Oh well.
I've had teachers and supervisors talk about getting excited about meeting certain researchers or people in the field. I didn't think I would ever get that interested in a person in the field. After working on the research paper and seeing the names Munroe and Derwing so much I want to meet them. They seem to be some of the leading researchers in accent and intelligibility/comprehension of non-native English speakers. I read several of their articles but there are even more I wasn't able to. SLP nerd status: achieved. Let's not talk any more about that research paper though. I'm not happy with it.
Year two of grad school will begin in 2 weeks! Ahh! I think the fall semester will be pretty relaxed though. Only 2 classes (Early Intervention and Dysphagia). 2 days I'll be at Promise Hopsital all day. I have strobe (stroboscopy) clinic which I'm pretty excited about. And the final four weeks of clinic I'll have AR (auditory rehabilitation). I need to be proactive about this semester though and not let myself get lazy because it seems to be a relatively easy one with lots of "free time."
The summer session has left me questioning some things. Mainly what population do I want to work with. I thought I was pretty decided on wanting to work with adults. Then I had two children clients and I really enjoyed it. I dressed up like a pirate and went on a treasure hunt, dressed like princesses (which just ight have included me putting on an old prom dress one day), played games, hopscotch, made cookies, and went skating! Working with kids can be fun. Working with adults contains a bit more structure. So the big question now is "adults or children?"
I know it doesn't have to be an either/or, and I'll actually have more opportunities with a desire and willingness to work with any age, but I guess I just wanted to find a job and just love it so much that I stay at it forever. Oh well.
I've had teachers and supervisors talk about getting excited about meeting certain researchers or people in the field. I didn't think I would ever get that interested in a person in the field. After working on the research paper and seeing the names Munroe and Derwing so much I want to meet them. They seem to be some of the leading researchers in accent and intelligibility/comprehension of non-native English speakers. I read several of their articles but there are even more I wasn't able to. SLP nerd status: achieved. Let's not talk any more about that research paper though. I'm not happy with it.
Year two of grad school will begin in 2 weeks! Ahh! I think the fall semester will be pretty relaxed though. Only 2 classes (Early Intervention and Dysphagia). 2 days I'll be at Promise Hopsital all day. I have strobe (stroboscopy) clinic which I'm pretty excited about. And the final four weeks of clinic I'll have AR (auditory rehabilitation). I need to be proactive about this semester though and not let myself get lazy because it seems to be a relatively easy one with lots of "free time."
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Summer has Begun...
...and is in full swing. Actually, summer session is over halfway done already!
Only 2 more weeks left of clinic after this week. Then my research paper is due! I really need to get serious about working on it. I've started but gotten very little done. Now I'm starting to worry. Now that I've realized how freaking soon that is!
I still have moments of questioning when it comes to SLP. Then I get excited over something like discovering we now have 40,000 Selected Words in the materials room. Forget 30,000 Words, we've upgraded! I even looked into buying a copy for myself. And I got excited about a resource a supervisor gave me for /r/. I've barely begun looking at it but it looks like a gold mine, good stuff. So that helps ease some of those questions. I think now a bigger question with SLP is do I want to work with kids or adults? After my first semester I was certain I wanted to work with adults. Now I'm not so sure. I enjoy doing articulation therapy with children. I think I may even like language therapy with children if I had a different experience with it than my previous experience. The preschool is what turned me off from wanting to work with children. I'm not at all saying the Preschool was a "bad" thing. It's done lots of good for children. 3 hours at a time, twice a week, with the same child, it's just not your typical therapy situation. So now I'm questioning, children or adults? I'm even beginning to slightly consider the school system. The one place I for sure did not want to work in. I'm not too sure about it though. IEPs, CCSS, etc. Eek!
Non-school related. Finally accomplished 3 miles with no walking or stopping. I've been using the same plan I found over 2 years ago. I never got through it all until now. It actually goes by time to get you up to 30 minutes continuous. I mapped my run when I finished and it was just over 3 miles and 31 minutes and some seconds. I'm not sure where to go from here though. I strictly followed the running plan before. I don't have a plan anymore. What to do!? I'll probably run the 5k in Glorieta. That's not a plan though.
I don't think I have anything else to ramble on about at the moment. Off to making therapy plans.
Only 2 more weeks left of clinic after this week. Then my research paper is due! I really need to get serious about working on it. I've started but gotten very little done. Now I'm starting to worry. Now that I've realized how freaking soon that is!
I still have moments of questioning when it comes to SLP. Then I get excited over something like discovering we now have 40,000 Selected Words in the materials room. Forget 30,000 Words, we've upgraded! I even looked into buying a copy for myself. And I got excited about a resource a supervisor gave me for /r/. I've barely begun looking at it but it looks like a gold mine, good stuff. So that helps ease some of those questions. I think now a bigger question with SLP is do I want to work with kids or adults? After my first semester I was certain I wanted to work with adults. Now I'm not so sure. I enjoy doing articulation therapy with children. I think I may even like language therapy with children if I had a different experience with it than my previous experience. The preschool is what turned me off from wanting to work with children. I'm not at all saying the Preschool was a "bad" thing. It's done lots of good for children. 3 hours at a time, twice a week, with the same child, it's just not your typical therapy situation. So now I'm questioning, children or adults? I'm even beginning to slightly consider the school system. The one place I for sure did not want to work in. I'm not too sure about it though. IEPs, CCSS, etc. Eek!
Non-school related. Finally accomplished 3 miles with no walking or stopping. I've been using the same plan I found over 2 years ago. I never got through it all until now. It actually goes by time to get you up to 30 minutes continuous. I mapped my run when I finished and it was just over 3 miles and 31 minutes and some seconds. I'm not sure where to go from here though. I strictly followed the running plan before. I don't have a plan anymore. What to do!? I'll probably run the 5k in Glorieta. That's not a plan though.
I don't think I have anything else to ramble on about at the moment. Off to making therapy plans.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
I'm Praying for You
Last Sunday, during Sunday School, I got an idea. It's a relatively simple idea- everyday pray for a specific person.
People immediately started coming to mind. Certain dates for certain people came to mind. Later that evening I started making a list of people. Every person whose name I wrote down made me think of another person. The list continued growing. I thought I just want to pray for everybody. That reminded me of a child's prayer I once heard. "I want to pray for everyone and everybody." That's exactly how I felt. I mean, really, who shouldn't go on the list?
This idea the Lord gave me to pray specifically for a particular person each day excites me for multiple reasons. I'd be lying if I said I'm praying every day. This will help me in becoming more intentional. More intentional in my prayer life and praying everyday. More intentional with whoever I am praying for.There are people I think of often but never tell them anything, people I don't see much anymore. Simply letting them know, "Hey, I'm praying for you today," or asking them, "How have you been?" Be honest though, I'm doubtful I actually will let whoever know every day.
There really isn't a strict structure to this. Some people I'm sure I will pray for multiple times. Some days I will be praying specifically for more than one person. I have a notebook that I've listed the dates for the next year and on certain dates I already have names for some reason or another. Some days I'll just wait and see who the Lord puts on my heart to pray for that day. Other days I may just look at the list of names I started compiling and pick one.
It's been a week and I'm already seeing how the Lord is using this and teaching me. Thursday morning, as I looked to see to see if I had already written down the name of someone to pray for, I had someone in mind that I wanted to pray for that day. I was a bit disappointed when I saw I already had not one but two names written already. Praying for three would just be ridiculous. (That is sarcasm, for clarification). Later in the afternoon, I got word that one of those people I was praying for was having some physical problems. It wasn't until about another hour later that I was thinking about that person and realized this is why I am praying for them today. It was one of those times when the Lord teaches you something and just leaves you thinking, "good one, Lord, good one."
People immediately started coming to mind. Certain dates for certain people came to mind. Later that evening I started making a list of people. Every person whose name I wrote down made me think of another person. The list continued growing. I thought I just want to pray for everybody. That reminded me of a child's prayer I once heard. "I want to pray for everyone and everybody." That's exactly how I felt. I mean, really, who shouldn't go on the list?
This idea the Lord gave me to pray specifically for a particular person each day excites me for multiple reasons. I'd be lying if I said I'm praying every day. This will help me in becoming more intentional. More intentional in my prayer life and praying everyday. More intentional with whoever I am praying for.There are people I think of often but never tell them anything, people I don't see much anymore. Simply letting them know, "Hey, I'm praying for you today," or asking them, "How have you been?" Be honest though, I'm doubtful I actually will let whoever know every day.
There really isn't a strict structure to this. Some people I'm sure I will pray for multiple times. Some days I will be praying specifically for more than one person. I have a notebook that I've listed the dates for the next year and on certain dates I already have names for some reason or another. Some days I'll just wait and see who the Lord puts on my heart to pray for that day. Other days I may just look at the list of names I started compiling and pick one.
It's been a week and I'm already seeing how the Lord is using this and teaching me. Thursday morning, as I looked to see to see if I had already written down the name of someone to pray for, I had someone in mind that I wanted to pray for that day. I was a bit disappointed when I saw I already had not one but two names written already. Praying for three would just be ridiculous. (That is sarcasm, for clarification). Later in the afternoon, I got word that one of those people I was praying for was having some physical problems. It wasn't until about another hour later that I was thinking about that person and realized this is why I am praying for them today. It was one of those times when the Lord teaches you something and just leaves you thinking, "good one, Lord, good one."
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Semester 2 is Through
Boy what a semester it has been! I think back to the beginning of the semester year and remember that I was literally counting the days until a new year! As I think back on why the semester started off so bad I realize how insignificant some of those "troubles" were. There was a lot of nothing that I let hold me back and get me down.That's not to say there weren't very real things going on, but now I look back and question why I let some things have such a great effect. It was like I couldn't really control it though. What's past is past. Live and learn.
Now I look at the semester, now that I've made it to the end, and think, "wow, I've come a long way!" I have supervisors who have told me that, and that I'm a completely different person now than who I was in the beginning. I am thankful for those supervisors and realize they do care and were concerned. I don't know why I have to remind myself so many times that they are on our side. They are not out to get us.
This is the first semester that I can really look back on it, and the whole school year, and truly realize how much I've learned. Of course there is always more to learn. Being friends with a freshman who is studying communication disorders reminds me that I once in their place and now look how much I've learned over the years.
Some significant things from this semester:
Now I look at the semester, now that I've made it to the end, and think, "wow, I've come a long way!" I have supervisors who have told me that, and that I'm a completely different person now than who I was in the beginning. I am thankful for those supervisors and realize they do care and were concerned. I don't know why I have to remind myself so many times that they are on our side. They are not out to get us.
This is the first semester that I can really look back on it, and the whole school year, and truly realize how much I've learned. Of course there is always more to learn. Being friends with a freshman who is studying communication disorders reminds me that I once in their place and now look how much I've learned over the years.
Some significant things from this semester:
- I've gotten to know more of my classmates better. They are my companions for the next year still and my future colleagues but the fall semester I avoided the work room as much as possible. I'm glad to have spent more time in it this semester and spend time, even if it was always at school, with them.
- Community. I'm not sure how to explain this one. I have so many thoughts on it, but they don't all connect. Basically, we all need each other. One of my clients pretty much sung praises of how thankful and blessed he is to have me. But I needed him just as much. His patience, kindness, joy, support, encouragement. I could sing praises about him. He is part of the reason I got my act together. I knew he was counting on me, and I could not let him down. Also, at a Graduate Student Association (GSA) appreciation event I got to meet and talk with other graduate students in many other fields. We were all so different but we could still find connections. *Going off on a rabbit trail now* And something wonderful, at least in my eyes, happened then. It was a Thursday night before TNT and Yangbin was there too. He took the initiative and started inviting people to TNT and International Dinner at the BCM. As we were leaving I told him I was proud of him, the way he started just telling everybody about the BCM. He said, rather matter-of-factly, something along the lines of "it's the Gospel. Why shouldn't I?" What!? Way to go you! But I'm also thinking, wait a minute, he's not even a Christian. Well, I don't even think it was a week later he announced he accepted Christ as his Savior! Such joyous news!
I'm sure there were other significant things along the way that I am failing to think of at this moment. I've never been more glad for a semester to be over, but at least it ended on a good note.
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