Once again I'm learning my plans are not His plans and His plans are so much better. That's been the reoccurring theme in my life when it comes to mission trips.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." Douglas Adams
Freshman year I wanted to go to Mexico during spring break. I wanted to go to the Philippines during the summer. The Lord didn't want me in either of these places during those times. I found that out all in the same day, in a matter of about 8 hours. I realized the Philippines wasn't going to happen and then later that night at TNT Steve announced we weren't going to Mexico that year. I went home and cried. It took a lot to not start crying then and there at TNT. I think that is one of the few times that I've ever really questioned, "why Lord, why?" "I want to go for You and You keep stopping me." Mexico and Philippines, my plans. Puerto Rico and somewhere else in SE Asia, the Lord's plans- and what good plans they were. Puerto Rico was incredible and though sometimes I still have trouble figuring out why or what my purpose was in SE Asia I know I grew a lot. It wasn't about me, it's not about me but I was challenged, I had to rely on God, I grew, and I developed a passion to go.
Sophomore year I went to S. Africa. The difference in my plans and His for this one were about the trip itself but events once in S. Africa. Most notable I think of the night we went to Pabellelo. Only a few of us were supposed to go. I didn't want to go, I just wasn't interested in going. We all went. The Lord moved. It was incredible. They joked that it was me and sharing my testimony but it was the Lord. How could it be me when I hadn't even wanted to be there!
Then finally planning for this summer. Thinking about summer 2011 began at the end of summer 2010. Yes, thinking and praying about it that far in advance. I kept thinking Europe somewhere, eastern or western I'm not sure. There was a good bit of mentioning of missions in Europe at Glorieta so that's what got me praying about it. There was also a specific trip I remember seeing in the previous years in England (I think) that was really sticking with me. I began praying. SE Asia kept coming back to my mind. I kept pushing it away. It kept coming back more and more. I started thinking about it. Really, go back to SE Asia? I'm not sure. I was eating supper with Jessica one night and she said she'd been thinking about going back to SE Asia. That's it. I hear you Lord. Back to SE Asia it is.
And that brings me back to right now. Sitting in my room, looking at my flight itinerary, pondering many things about it. My biggest concern is knowing I'm leaving to go over there a few days after everyone else so I'm flying by myself. Not that big a deal, I kind of did that last time. It's still a little bit terrifying though. I worry about what if I miss a flight. And just the long amount spent on the plane. Just me and my thoughts, and not being able to fall asleep. As much as I want to be going there and am glad to be going I fear that that time on the plane with me just thinking will really get to me. Anxiousness, apprehension, questioning. What am I doing? What am I getting myself into? I don't want those kind of thoughts to occur and I think that's what I'm most afraid of about flying alone. No one to keep me grounded and calm. And it's these thoughts and stress from other different aspects of the trip that have already got me losing sleep at night. A problem I've never had before. Since the beginning of this year though when there's something about the trip on my mind or that I know needs to get done soon with the planning it comes to mind when I'm trying to fall asleep. I twist and turn and finally fitfully sleep.
Lord I need to trust in You.
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