Who I Am Hates Who I've Been & City On Our Knees

Why is it so hard to change? It's easy (sometimes) to see the changes we want to make and even to know how to make them but actually making the change is so difficult sometimes. For me personally it's laziness and lack of effort. I want so desperately to change who I am now into someone better for the Lord. This song sums it up.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by: Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it

.See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.

Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

While I was away this summer I had all these plans of how I'd change once I got back home. I would make sure to spend time daily in prayer and reading the Bible. I would depend on God and not myself. Pretty much all the things most people say when they come back from a church camp or whatever and they're on that "spiritual high." How many times before have I told myself those same things before? Too many to count. How many times have I actually made those proposed changes in my life? I don't know but none have stuck with me. It works for a little while then life gets busy and I let those things slip away. I hate myself being this way. I want to commit to making these changes and actually make them happen.

Also kind of along the same lines I've been recently thinking how it disgusts me how there are so many hypocrites. They claim to be Christian, they come worship at TNT, they go to church, they've been D-now leaders, they've gone on mission trips, and they get wasted on the weekends. That is probably one of the things that irks me the most about some people. Like i said it disgusts me. It truly disgusts me. Then I realized I am no better then they are. I might not do anything "bad" but what am I doing nothing. I go to church, TNT, mission trips, and do nothing. I'm not spending any time outside of corporate worship with the Lord. I disgust myself. I think the biggest insult I could be given would be to be called a hypocrite when it comes to my faith and that's exactly what I've been. A hypocrite.

While I was thinking about all this I was thinking about when to start making these changes I want to make. But why wait for some certain day? Why not tonight? That's when City on Our Knees came in my head. A new song from Toby Mac that has been playing on Klove a lot recently. It says it perfectly. Why not here? Why not now?

Tobymac - City On Our Knees

If you've gotta start somewhere
Why not here?
If you've gotta start sometime
Why not now?

If you've gotta start somewhere I say here
If you've gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog
There is hope in the distance

From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave
Tonight is the night
For the sinners and the saints

To rescue life in a beautiful display
It's all up tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea

To a city with one king
A city on our knees
If we gotta start somewhere
Why not here?

If we gotta start sometime
Why not now?
If we gotta start somewhere
I say here
If we gotta start sometime
I say now

Tonight couldn't last forever
We are one choice from together
Family, we're family
You and me, yeah you and me

If we gotta start somewhere
Why not here?
If we gotta start somewhere
Why not now?