Time Flies

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana." That sentence is on the board in the student workroom at school. Boy has time flown! February is almost over.

I would like to say for the most part things have been looking up, but there have certainly been plenty of hurdles. I am continually having to learn to give things up to the Lord. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and know I have had other people praying for me.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

At the end of January, during a break during class, my professor asked me how the semester was going. I was able to tell her I felt overwhelmed with everything and struggling to get back into the swing of things, class and clinic. The next day, there were several people in the workroom all sharing the same thoughts of just feeling kind of lost in what they were doing. That same day during clinic, my supervisor came in and walked me through something, explaining everything we were doing and why. These events made me realize two things: 1) I am not alone. Other people are struggling too, maybe not as much, maybe even more. 2) The  teachers/supervisors are not out to get us. They want us to do well and they want to help.

So things were starting to look up. Then that weekend was CEC which was pretty good. I continued, however, being apathetic towards school, and began falling even further behind. Even so though, things overall were remaining more on the positive side, I would say.

Then the weekend of Feb. 15 was another set back. Things took a turn downward again. That was mainly all the struggling with the loss from Pediatria. Monday, I met with a professor about other stuff but just briefly was able to share how things have been going and how overwhelmed I was feeling. After that I feel like I have been getting my act together.

I still have a lot of catching up to do, but I am making progress.

In news, other than school, things seem to being getting better too. I have made friends I would not have expected to make, at least not so quickly and easily. The Lord has provided opportunities to reach out to others and invite them to get involved at the BCM or church. Seriously, He has so freely provided opportunities without even having to look for them. I think maybe sometimes we might get caught up too much in looking for opportunities to share that we miss the ones that are right there in front of us. You really don't have to look too far or hard.

Thursday night at TNT they did a throwback Thursday, 90's TNT. Oh, it was so wonderful! It was a time to laugh and have fun and praise the Lord. One of the songs we sung was Breathe. The Monday before that TNT, and possibly other days that week,  as I was walking to my car this song kept coming to me so I would sing it to myself, thinking about how true it is, how truly desperate and lost I am. Then we sang it on Thursday! The Lord know what we need to hear, when we need to hear it.

This is the air I breathe 

This is the air I breath 

 Your holy presence living in me 

This is my daily bread

This is my daily bread

Your very word spoken to me 

And I, I'm desperate for You 

And I, I'm lost without You 

Similar things happened with Bible study last week. I had been neglecting my quiet time and MasterLife Bible Study. Well, when I dove back in one of the verses was Joshua 1:8. In the beginning of the year when I started getting serious about a quiet time and was doing a 30 day challenge the verses on the third day were Joshua 1:8-9. I even wrote them on a sticky note and put it on my mirror. What a reminder to stay in the Word! Meditate on it day and night.

8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:8-9

Hopefully, I will stay in the Word and continue spending time with the Lord, and hopefully things will continue to look up.

Sometimes You Just Have to Ask

Why God? Why?

Why do you allow innocent children to be born with disabilities?

This has been something  I have been struggling with a little bit for the past couple of weeks, but it was made all the more prevalent and difficult on Friday.

This semester one of my clinics is at Pediatria. Pediatria, in a nutshell, is a day healthcare center for medically complex and fragile children. I just love those sweet children. Well, Friday we were told one of the babies passed away. I know I saw this baby, but I honestly do not remember them. That however, does not make it hurt any less. My heart breaks for the family.

Let us go back to when I first really started to struggle with this. At CEC (Collegieate Evangelism Conference) a couple of weeks ago one of the seminars I went to was Responding to the Problem of Evil led by Dr. Steven B. Cowan. One of the arguments is the evidential problem of evil. This next part is an excerpt directly from his handout:

The Evidential Problem of Evil

This version of the problem alleges that God's existence incompatible with a certain kind of evil that exists, namely, with pointless or gratuitous evil- evil that God could not use to bring about a greater good. 

           (1) If God exists, there would be no pointless evil. 

           (2) There is pointless evil. 

           (3) Therefore, God does not exist.  

Well before he even began discussing it I was questioning number 2, thinking there are no pointless evils. A little farther down the handout was this:

Overturning the evidential argument from evil:

         (1) If God exists, there are no pointless evils.

         (2) God exists.

         (3) Therefore, there are no pointless evils.

Okay, so there are no pointless evils. Discussion began and some things were mentioned like the Holocaust and slavery. They were/are horrible. I am not at all happy they happened/are still happening. Somehow though, I can see there is a point in them. I cannot put into words what the point is, I am not sure I even know what the point is, but I have no problem believing there is a point. That is when I thought about the children at Pediatria. What about children born with disabilities, syndromes, diseases, etc.? What is the point in that? Innocent children being born who will never have a "normal" life. Children who will not make it to their 10th birthday, even their 5th birthday. I cannot see any point.

There is a little voice in me that has been saying do not question God. Do not ask Him why. It has me so upset right now though and a bit angry at God. I believe it is okay to ask why and it is okay to be angry, but I need to be honest with God about it. Asking why leads to praying, crying out to God (if you know me, you know I was blessed/cursed with a sensitive soul so there has indeed been crying), and seeking answers and understanding.

This is my struggle. I do not understand now, and it may take time, but I believe in some way there has to be a greater good. I do not know this greater good, so, in the meantime I will keep seeking.

A Few Quotes

I will soon (hopefully) get around to an update on life. I have lots to say. In the meantime, as I'm taking a break from school stuff, I'll try to declutter my desktop and all the post-its I have open on it. These are just quotes I've been making note of for the past several months. For most of them I can still recall who posted them, when, and where. 

"Let's be the generation that closes the 10/40 window through prayer and commissioning. Pray for salvations. Give your life away. Go for the sake of the Gospel. 

All Peoples, All Nations." 

Cameron posted that on facebook. I actually don't recall when. I only met him once, half way around the world in SE Asia, and coincidentally we both went to South Africa in the same summer but at slightly different times. He did meet and work with people from the LSU BCM when he was in South Africa. Small world! He has such a huge heart for missions and if I'm not mistaken he has applied to be a journey man. Definitely a reminder and a challenge in his post. 

"The tomb is empty. The throne is occupied."

That was retweeted by Norman several months ago.  Such short statements but so powerful.

"The Son of God became a man to enable men to become sons of God."

"Once in our world, a stable had something in it that was bigger than our whole world."

Both C.S. Lewis quotes posted on facebook by Brett near Christmas. That's probably a prime example of you don't ever know who actually reads what you post. These just leave me humbled and in awe of God.

"Don't be afraid to let things get awkward. It means you're being real and vulnerable and creating relationships with depth."

"The right relationship won't distract you away from God, but attract you to God." 

"Let's all stop concentrating on trying to find the right one and start asking God to mold us into the right one."

All three are tweets or tumblr posts from Coleen York. I love reading her posts.  Her post always seem to have a way of challenging and encouraging at the same time.  I may hang onto what she says a little too much though. I have multiple times references something in one of her posts or shared posts with friends.

 

Encouragement and Hope from the Past

I've been going back and reading some of my past posts. I kind of hate reading what I write (type), but it was not too bad. I actually was encouraged by some of the stuff I posted. Is that prideful? I think I really needed to see my post from the new year 2011. It contained Lifehouse lyrics to "Hanging by a Moment."

Desperate for changing 

Starving for truth 

I'm closer to where I started 

Chasing after you 

I'm falling even more in love with you 

Letting go of all I've held onto 

I'm standing here until you make me move 

I'm hanging by a moment here with you 

Forgetting all I'm lacking 

Completely incomplete 

I'll take your invitation 

You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you 

Letting go of all I've held onto 

I'm standing here until you make me move 

I'm hanging by a moment here with you 

I'm living for the only thing I know 

I'm running and not quite sure where to go 

And I don't know what I'm diving into 

Just hanging by a moment here with you 

There's nothing else to lose 

There's nothing else to find 

There's nothing in the world 

That can change my mind 

There is nothing else 

There is nothing else 

There is nothing else 

Desperate for changing 

Starving for truth 

I'm closer to where I started 

Chasing after you 

I'm falling even more in love with you 

Letting go of all I've held onto 

I'm standing here until you make me move 

I'm hanging by a moment here with you 

I'm living for the only thing I know 

I'm running and not quite sure where to go 

And I don't know what I'm diving into 

Just hanging by a moment here with you 

Just hanging by a moment (here with you) 

Hanging by a moment (here with you) 

Hanging by a moment here with you 

I pretty much just want this song to be my prayer for this year, with the you referring to the Lord. I want to let go of all the downcast thoughts and feelings I have started this year with and just give the year to the Lord. Surrender it all to Him, knowing and trusting that whatever and wherever, it is in His hands. 

It is not easy. I am a human, a female, with thoughts and emotions. I cannot just block them all out, but what I can do is surrender them to the Lord. I can tell Him everything that is going on in life. I can let Him lead.

Though my life, my trials, what I am going through does not at all compare to what Christians faced in Biblical times (and what many Christians still face) and what Peter was referring to I still refer to these verses:

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving te goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9

Out with the old, In with the new

I have seen many people post that they are glad 2012 is over with, good riddance. They are ready for a new year, a better year. I am coming into 2013 with rather opposite feelings. I think 2012 was a pretty darn good year, and I know I am not starting 2013 off with the most positive of emotions. Let's start with 2012 though.

2012: In Review

I began my first post college job as a personal care attendant. Though I was not particularly fond of the job, I still have to overall count it as a positive experience. It was in a way my first taste of the real world: job applications, interviews, training, two weeks notice, quitting. I quit my first post college job. Like I said, overall positive experience, learning experience, but it was not working out. It was not the job for me. 

I had a summer that I initially thought was the worst summer in a while. It contained several appointments. I did not go anywhere or do anything too extraordinary. As the summer began to come to an end though I realized how much of a time it was of spiritual growth. Because of the events of the summer I began to truly understand what it means to know the peace that only the Lord gives. I have learned what it means to find your joy in the Lord. This peace and joy is something I would not trade for anything. I only wish I could truly explain the wonders and amazingness, the life-changingness,  of it to everyone. 

I was accepted into graduate school and completed my first semester. Like with nearly everything, it definitely had its ups and downs, but with the new perspective of what I leaned through the summer it was all okay. I made it through the semester. 

Many of my friends moved away or had moved away the previous year. This, I realize, does not seem like a good thing, but because of their absence I made more friends. "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other is gold." I made new friends and became better friends with people I already knew. If you look at each of us individually these friendships may seem pretty random, but they are great. I cannot express how thankful I am for each of my friends, new and old, and how much I love them. 

So yeah, I would say 2012 contained some good times. 

2013: Let's Begin

As I am typing this it has been 2013 for about 22 hours. Not much has happened yet. I am not one for making New Year's resolutions. I usually have the basic things I want to change or add: spend time daily with the Lord and reading my Bible, run/exercise. Actually, those are the only two I can immediately think of right now. As this article, Why Your New Year's Resolutions Won't Work, basically says most of our resolutions are not just one year resolutions. They are not things we want to change and do just for this year. They are lifetime resolutions. I am not sure where I was headed with the resolutions thing and that article. It was a good read though. 

I do not know if the following really has to do with resolutions or not. All I know about this new year so far is that I have begun it carrying over emotions I would have rather left behind in 2012. I am painfully aware of the jealousy and insecurities that I have been struggling with recently, and I have begun 2013 with them still raging. As much as I would like to just chuck them into the old year I cannot. They remain. It is just something to pray about and work through as I have done before. As I feel I have been saying quite a bit lately, time and prayer will bring healing. 

I guess, right now, those feelings are overshadowing a positive outlook for the new year. I was reading New Year's traditions and superstitions. One was do not cry on New Year's because it will bring unhappiness for the rest of the year. No problem. I am a little upset but I am not going to cry. I guess I thought a little too hard for a little too long about those feelings though because I was caught unawares as one tear trickled down my cheek earlier tonight. Cursed tear of betrayal!

Maybe I should wrap this post up before I start rambling and really getting off topic (like talking about my guilty pleasure of new shampoo and how good my hair smells). 2013 still has 364 more days, so I cannot right it off already as a bad year. I just have some trials to work through first. Nothing time and prayer won't heal.