It's a hard reality realizing not every camp, conference, etc. will be life changing or result in these deep spiritual revelations of truth. That is not to say the Lord was not at work during the week. Maybe one day looking back on the week and (the few) notes I took I will learn more from the week. The biggest thing I did take away from the week, I am blessed, came from one song that we sang one night.
On Wednesday night we sang 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). The following verse is what hit me:
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
With that I thought back to last year. I remembered the circumstances I was in last year when we sang that song. I spent that summer going to numerous doctor's appointments. I haven't talked much about it, but there were a couple of weeks when I knew cancer was a very real possibility. When two doctors both ask multiple times if a certain cancer runs in the family and then a procedure is done to find out what is wrong and if it is cancer, you don't have to be a genius to realize cancer is a possibility. (For clarification I do not have cancer and the problem I was having has since been taken care of and gone away). During those weeks, I let my mind go there, to the possibility of cancer and what that would mean in my life. I was okay with it. I had a peace with whatever would happen. I was even okay with death. I really let my mind go all the way to the "worst" possibility.
Then approximately December through March was a rough time for me. Again, not something I've talked too much about, at least not how rough it really was. When I have mentioned it I usually just say it was a rough time, it was hard, things were pretty crappy. I guess I tried to keep the extent of it to myself because as I was talking to a friend during the week and opening up about it she remarked that she knew I was having a tough time but didn't realize it was that bad. If she didn't know, then I doubt anybody realized how bad it was. I never sought any help, but there is no doubt in my mind I was depressed. There were weeks when I had no appetite. I didn't have interest in anything. I didn't open a textbook until about a week before midterms. Many, too many, days I just wanted to break down crying. All I wanted to do was sleep. There were little things that made my stomach turn. There were little problems but no "big" things to make me feel this way.
The past few weeks there have been moments here and there and I start feeling like I did then. I am terrified of going back to that. Since March I've been living in this fear of that happening again and I can't do that again.
Last year as I sang that song it was like a thanks to the Lord that I don't have cancer or anything seriously wrong but even if I did Lord, I will praise you. This year as I sang it I realized how blessed I am. How blessed I am that I have more years to praise Him here on this earth. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. Those fears of being depressed melted away. I hope it's not only temporary. When those feelings come back I need to remind myself, I need my friends to remind me, how blessed I am. I have nothing to fear. I have no need to be depressed. I have Christ as my Savior. He died for me. I am forgiven. One day I will spend eternity with Him.
I am blessed.
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