I am Blessed

Last week I was at Collegiate Week in Glorieta. This was my 4th year going. In 2010 and 2012 the truth I learned while at Glorieta was life changing. I honestly don't remember much from 2011. I kind of had a lot going on that year and a lot to process while at Glorieta, having just gotten off a plane from SE Asia, going home for a few hours, and then getting in a car to drive to Glorieta. This year I do not feel like I grew much during the week.

It's a hard reality realizing not every camp, conference, etc. will be life changing or result in these deep spiritual revelations of truth. That is not to say the Lord was not at work during the week. Maybe one day looking back on the week and (the few) notes I took I will learn more from the week. The biggest thing I did take away from the week, I am blessed, came from one song that we sang one night.

On Wednesday night we sang 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord). The following verse is what hit me:

And on that day when my strength is failing

The end draws near and my time has come

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years and then forevermore

With that I thought back to last year. I remembered the circumstances I was in last year when we sang that song. I spent that summer going to numerous doctor's appointments. I haven't talked much about it, but there were a couple of weeks when I knew cancer was a very real possibility. When two doctors both ask multiple times if a certain cancer runs in the family and then a procedure is done to find out what is wrong and if it is cancer, you don't have to be a genius to realize cancer is a possibility. (For clarification I do not have cancer and the problem I was having has since been taken care of and gone away). During those weeks, I let my mind go there, to the possibility of cancer and what that would mean in my life. I was okay with it. I had a peace with whatever would happen. I was even okay with death. I really let my mind go all the way to the "worst" possibility. 

Then approximately December through March was a rough time for me. Again, not something I've talked too much about, at least not how rough it really was. When I have mentioned it I usually just say it was a rough time, it was hard, things were pretty crappy. I guess I tried to keep the extent of it to myself because as I was talking to a friend during the week and opening up about it she remarked that she knew I was having a tough time but didn't realize it was that bad. If she didn't know, then I doubt anybody realized how bad it was. I never sought any help, but there is no doubt in my mind I was depressed. There were weeks when I had no appetite. I didn't have interest in anything. I didn't open a textbook until about a week before midterms. Many, too many, days I just wanted to break down crying. All I wanted to do was sleep. There were little things that made my stomach turn. There were little problems but no "big" things to make me feel this way. 

The past few weeks there have been moments here and there and I start feeling like I did then. I am terrified of going back to that. Since March I've been living in this fear of that happening again and I can't do that again. 

Last year as I sang that song it was like a thanks to the Lord that I don't have cancer or anything seriously wrong but even if I did Lord, I will praise you. This year as I sang it I realized how blessed I am. How blessed I am that I have more years to praise Him here on this earth. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. Those fears of being depressed melted away. I hope it's not only temporary. When those feelings come back I need to remind myself, I need my friends to remind me, how blessed I am. I have nothing to fear. I have no need to be depressed. I have Christ as my Savior. He died for me. I am forgiven. One day I will spend eternity with Him.

I am blessed. 

See Me

I see myself as:

emotional

caring

sarcastic

People call me "cute." People call me weird. People call me funny.

I get defined as quiet and skinny. 

Please look beyond my volume and size.

See me.

See me. The girl who cringes at the thought of being called girly yet has taken an interest in makeup, fashion, hair, pink fingernail polish, and all things girly lately. 

See me. The girl who is wants to be more mature but is stuck feeling like a child. 

See me. The girl who over the past year has developed such a sense of caring that she cares too much.

See me. The girl who speaks softly and sparingly but at times is busting at the seams with things to say. 

See me. The girl who is trying to live for Christ and is recognizing that that sometimes means being transparent about struggles and questions. 

See me. The girl who regularly reads National Geographic magazines and Lovelyish- a style and beauty blog.

See me. The girl who acts like she isn't into chick flicks but is secretly a hopeless romantic. 

See me. The girl who hates waking up early but would rather get stuff done and have classes in the morning.

See me the girl who cries and at the same times laughs at herself for crying.

See me. The girl who really wants to continue this list because it barely scratches the surface but is running out of thoughts at this latish hour. 

See me.

Thank you for my Weaknesses

I had a mini come to Jesus moment this afternoon.

Thank you Lord for my weaknesses. Instead of feeling sorry for myself about my weaknesses I need to thank the Lord for them. I need to pray that He will use me through those weaknesses and that they may be beneficial to His kingdom.

My weaknesses pale in comparison to the struggles Paul went through but encouragement is found 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The Problem with Introversion

I am an introvert. No denying it. I didn't even know what an introvert or extrovert were until a few years ago. It wasn't until relatively recently that I actually knew anything about them other than a very basic, maybe not the most accurate, definition. In the past 6 months I feel I've been reminded of it and the fact that I am an introvert a few times too many.

After going to Glorieta I realized how much of an introvert I am. Too many times I needed to get away from people. By the time it was time to leave I was actually saying, "I need to not be around people." It was just too many people and too much noise and chaos for me. Lack of sleep probably did not help any.

So what is my problem with introverts? It a multifaceted problem but I'll try my best to break it down and explain it in two points.

Introvert.

It's a label. I don't like labels. I don't particularly like this label because it's like I can just use it as a crutch or an excuse. I feel it gets taken as a one size fits all label, that all introverts are the same in that they fit every aspect of the label. This is simply not true. It is stated in some articles I've read that it's a myth that  introverts are shy. But I am often shy. Shy and introverted, double whammy! I've also read introverts are not thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. Lies! I don't even see how that has anything to do with being an introvert or extrovert. Balls to the wall!

I've seen/read countless articles about introverts: why the world needs introverts, myths about introverts, etc. All these articles, books, TED talks are attempting to define introverts and clarify that introversion is normal and acceptable. It comes off more to me as justifying introversion. That upsets me. Why does it need to be justified? If it's so normal and acceptable though then why are all these necessary. Why do I not see the same number of articles and such on extroversion? It all makes me feel like introversion is an exception or oddity.

Introversion. I don't like it. It is who I am.

Year One is Done

Year one of grad school is complete! It has been for a few weeks but as per usual I am late at blogging about it. Technically during the summer we start considering ourselves 2nd years but to me it's still the end of the first year not the beginning of the second year.

The summer session has left me questioning some things. Mainly what population do I want to work with. I thought I was pretty decided on wanting to work with adults. Then I had two children clients and I really enjoyed it. I dressed up like a pirate and went on a treasure hunt, dressed like princesses (which just ight have included me putting on an old prom dress one day), played games, hopscotch, made cookies, and went skating! Working with kids can be fun. Working with adults contains a bit more structure. So the big question now is "adults or children?"

I know it doesn't have to be an either/or, and I'll actually have more opportunities with a desire and willingness to work with any age, but I guess I just wanted to find a job and just love it so much that I stay at it forever. Oh well.

I've had teachers and supervisors talk about getting excited about meeting certain researchers or people in the field. I didn't think I would ever get that interested in a person in the field. After working on the research paper and seeing the names Munroe and Derwing so much I want to meet them. They seem to be some of the leading researchers in accent and intelligibility/comprehension of non-native English speakers. I read several of their articles but there are even more I wasn't able to. SLP nerd status: achieved. Let's not talk any more about that research paper though. I'm not happy with it.

Year two of grad school will begin in 2 weeks! Ahh! I think the fall semester will be pretty relaxed though. Only 2 classes (Early Intervention and Dysphagia). 2 days I'll be at Promise Hopsital all day. I have strobe (stroboscopy) clinic which I'm pretty excited about. And the final four weeks of clinic I'll have AR (auditory rehabilitation). I need to be proactive about this semester though and not let myself get lazy because it seems to be a relatively easy one with lots of "free time."