Catchall Catch up

I can't begin to count the number of times I've thought to myself " I need to update my blog." I've even thought about what the post would say but never got around to actually typing it and posting it. Of course there are the several post that I did get part way to starting, meaning I typed the title and about one sentence. I had the intentions to come back and finish them but never did. So now that leaves me now with lots I've wanted to say over the past 5-6 months that I never did say, much that I've since forgotten, and many things I wanted to say that have since changed (so I guess if I had said those things then then I'd now have updates). But since I never did post anything except to say I needed to here goes a brief catchall catch up.

I graduated in December 2011 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communication Sciences and Disorders. Since about April when I realized I would be graduating in December I began thinking about what I would do post graduation before I am able to start graduate school in the fall of 2012. I considered pretty much all the options.

Now I am in Baton Rouge looking for work and doubting my choice. There was a time during the fall semester when I really felt called to stay in Baton Rouge for the spring. I've never felt that before (maybe that partly has to do with my confusion about missions, more on that later) usually it's quite the opposite and I'm ready to go, go anywhere. So I've stayed.

I have a job. I have not actually begun working at this job though. It's a job I've seen the ad for for years and I have wanted to be able to work at since I first saw the ad. Well, I wanted it so much and now it's not seeming to be what I wanted at all. Don't get me wrong I think what the place does is wonderful but I feel like I have been deceived and cheated. I was given a client then told it wasn't going to work with that person so I was given another client and told it would be afternoon hours. To me afternoon would be in 12-4 range, maybe even to 6 but that might be pushing it as afternoon. I meet the client's family and am told then told the hours that I am needed are 4pm-8pm. That is not afternoon. That is evening/night. This defeats the whole purpose of me wanting a job. I need something to do during the day. I NEED something to do. So that is how I feel like deceived. As for being cheated, well, I'm still not actually working. I gave my available start date as Jan. 16. I went through the 16 hours of training but still needed CPR and first aid training which I will get through the company. They've known this since day 1 that I need this training. I've told them my schedule is completely open except for 1 week. There has been plenty of time before that week to give me the needed training. There has been plenty of time after that week to give me the needed training. They finally scheduled it for Jan. 30. So the whole month of January I'm not working. Not working=not earning a pay check. I'm just unhappy with this job that I have technically not started working.

Tomorrow I have an interview for a different job. It sounds like a fantastic job that I really want. When they called today though it lost some of it's promising-ness. They mentioned Tuesday and Thursday evening shifts. That's just as bad as the other job. I need a job for the day. I actually already have responsibilities, obligations, and things I want to do in the evenings.

This is supposed to be a relaxing, stress free semester off from school but it's certainly not starting out that way.

As for missions which I mentioned I'd get to. I'm not sure where to begin with this one or what exactly to say. I will get into it more whenever I get around to posting about the past summer. I don't know how I feel about missions anymore. I used to have such a passion for it now it's like I don't even care. There are moments when I really do care but for the most part I'm longing just to feel something. To have some understanding. This summer changed me in way I'm not sure I wanted to be changed. It was rough. I felt very distanced from the Lord. I've felt pretty distance since. If I'm completely honest I've gotten to the point where I've stopped seeking to get closer. No longer even have the desire to try. And that I think is the root cause of all my problems.

I haven't really shared that with anyone though. I haven't really shared much of anything with anybody. It was a crazy semester. I feel like I rarely ever saw my friends. Even rarer was hanging out with them. I thought during the winter break I'd get to see them a lot and hang out, have fun. That for some reason never happened, except for one night. Now school has started again and I don't even get the opportunities, however brief they may have been, to see my friends between classes or hanging out at the B during a break because I'm not in school.

Sorry this has been such a downer post. But this is where I'm at right now. If you don't like it I guarantee you I like it even less.