Long time, no blog

I haven't blogged anything in quite a while. Prepare for an influx of posts soon. SouthEast Asia, man, I gotta get it out. I don't know when these post will be coming. They'll probably come in many short posts. I haven't decided how I wanna divide it up and talk about it all. Short posts are all it seems like I'll have time for anyway. School is keeping me so busy but I graduate in December! I only have 4 classes but I have so much reading for them. Yesterday was Labor Day, a holiday. How did I spend my labor day? Reading papers for class. I read a 23 page paper, a 10 page paper, a 6 page paper (which is really 12 if it were an actual book but 6 in the way that it was scanned and posted online), a 12 page paper (which like the other was scanned so it was really 24), and a chapter in a book that was about 10 pages. All except for the 23 page paper were for a 1000 level course too! It's ridiculous!

Made in Indonesia

While I was going through my junk drawer I found a bracelet. One of those Admit, Believe, Confess bracelets you get at VBS. I think I got it in 5th or 6th grade. I never wore it but never had the heart to throw it away either. I mean it is a nice bracelet, leather with a little design on it. Thus it found its way into the junk drawer beside the likes of keychains, leis, a skydancer (remember those), some yarn dolls, enough lanyards for a small army, and an assortment of other items.

Well, as I pull it out these many years later I notice on the back a Made in Indonesia sticker... Really? Of all places, Indonesia. I'm not complaining; Indonesia holds a special place in my heart.

As I think about the bracelet, though, I realize that whoever made it probably has no idea what it means. And that is heartbreaking. How many bracelets saying Admit, Believe, Confess has this person made. How many people have had a hand in the making of bracelets like this not having any idea what it says or more importantly what it means and the Truth in it.

I decided all those years ago, back when Indonesia meant nothing to me, to hold on to this made in Indonesia bracelet. Finding it now is like yet again another confirmation about the coming summer. I hope as I wear this bracelet it will be a reminder to pray for the people of Indonesia.

I Surrender All

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • Refrain:
     I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

"I surrender all." How dare I sing these words? I don't have to look hard at my own life to see the areas where I have not surrendered all. The things I hold onto foolishly thinking I can control them.

As Paul says in Philippians 1:21, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

Am I willing to surrender my life. Spiritually and physically and in every way possible. Would I be willing to die today for Christ's glory? It's easy to say yes, but do I really mean it? I've got a long ways to go still before I can truly say, "I surrender all."

Excited everyday?

While just thinking about the places I have traveled to I was thinking about what the coolest place I've ever been to would be. I didn't give it much thought but the first two places that came to mind were Sicily and SE Asia (SEA). For very different reasons these two came to mind.

Sicily was just awesome. SEA has my heart though.

If I could go back to Sicily I'm sure I would but I haven't even tried to make that one happen. Going back to SEA though I have tried to make happen. In fact it is happening! Maybe the different nature of the two trips is why I've tried to make the one happen again and not the other. Whatever the case I am going back to SEA and I am excited!

I am already so excited about this summer and being able to go back to SEA. I'm ready for summer to get here. I'm sure it will be here before I know it, after all it is only 4 months until I go!

It is a good thing I am excited about going back but why am I only excited about the summer? Yes, part of it is because traveling somewhere is just awesome and getting to see people I thought I would never see again. Other than those two factors why am I not excited about every day I wake up?

SEA in the summer is not the only time I can share Christ with people. It is not the only time I can serve the Lord. Why am I not waking up everyday excited to start a new day and to see what opportunities the Lord will provide for me to share His Truth?

Leaving

Sometime I feel like my life is characterized by people leaving. People that either mean a lot to me themselves or in the role they play. Sometimes it's leaving, often for very understandable reasons so it's not like I can be mad at them or hold it against them. Sometimes it's been quitting. Sometimes I feel like it's giving up.

It started in 10th grade and ever since it's just kept continuing. I'm sure everybody experiences people leaving and it's part of life and growing up. It still hurts and is still something that has bothered me for a while.

First it was Patti. This was the first time I experienced the sadness of someone leaving. Someone I felt close to and looked up to. Met her February 04. She moved mid summer 05. It was less than a week after meeting her that I talked with her and gave my life to Christ.

Then it was JT. He was the only youth minister I'd had and youth was my world.

Shortly after JT left it was Mr. Madison, the band teacher. Band and youth, the two things I cared about most.

Those were all within a 6 month time period.

About half a year later we get a new youth minister, Steve. A little over a year later Steve leaves.

Band we got a new teacher. She finished out the second semester of 10th grade. 11th grade another new band teacher. He didn't last long either. We get another band teacher he stayed for the rest of my time in band.

Speaking of teachers should I mention how many home ec teachers came and went in one year in 10th grade. Not that I was close to any of them or cared that much about home ec but we had at least 5, maybe 6. Even though I might not of cared much about them the first lady (or was she second) was pretty sweet. I still remember the day she asked me if everything was okay. She'd never asked me this before and I don't think I was that noticeably upset but she just knew. Of course I said I was fine but that actually was the day after JT told us he was leaving.

Let's see who's next? It was Catherine and Brent. They helped with the youth group. They came around near the time Patti and Bradley were leaving. They moved beginning of summer 08. I don't know if there is someone around now that reminds me of Catherine but I feel like I can hear her words of wisdom. Like I have a little Catherine conscience.

High school is done with and I saw high school friendships fade away. I saw another important friendship beginning to fade away. That friendship fading hurt the most out of the friends.

On to college. College Sunday school. I'm not in youth anymore so I'm in the college Sunday school and I want to love it just as much. First set of teachers: Garbarinos moved and Smarts quit. Year two Matt comes along. Lasts until summer. Granted he is the middle school youth minster and in seminary he has more than enough to do. Now we have Lindsay. We'll see for how long, I pray for a while. The college Sunday school is actually becoming something.

Mrs. Richards who I babysit for is moving to Houston. Another family I babysit regularly for may be moving, I don't know the definite on this one.

And all that leads us up to now. Mandy told us tonight that she accepted a job at the BCM at the University of Tennessee. I asked her who was supposed to help me find my husband if she leaves? Trying to use some humor instead of tears.

There have been enough tears in typing all this but I had to get it out.

Maybe now I need to shift my focus from people leaving to appreciating the people who are still here. (Not implying I don't appreciate the people who have left. If I didn't appreciate them I wouldn't be upset).

Change of attitude needed

I was planning on going to Mission Arlington with the BCM for the Mardi Gras break, Friday through Tuesday. I was looking forward to it and then Wednesday I got sick. It was nothing serious, just a cold. I don't think people were going to ride in a van 7 hours with me blowing my nose and coughing, nor would I want to ride in van 7 hours doing that. So I didn't end up going. By Friday I wasn't really feeling to bad, mainly just coughing, but still decided it would be better for me if I didn't go.

Although I didn't go to Arlington the Lord still provided a way for me to serve on Friday. Friday Jimmy, Jessica, and I were able to help Ms. Becky with the community ministries at Parkview. Jimmy was cleaning and straightening out one closet and Jessica and I were organizing the clothes closet. Organizing the clothes closet consisted of going through bags of clothes, folding them or hanging them, and putting them in the right category.

I admitted to Jessica that this was probably my least favorite thing to do to serve. Sort clothes. I can't even manage to put my own clothes away most of the time. This very thing I'm complaining about though might of been the very thing I would of been doing in Arlington though. Would I of still not enjoyed in Arlington? Probably. Major attitude change is needed.

It's more than just the act of serving in this manner that I need to change. While going through these clothes how many items did I laugh at or try on mockingly or make comments about. How many times did I think to myself who would actually wear this. The reality is many people would wear it. People who are happy just to have an outfit. People who are grateful to have somewhere they can get clothes from because they can't quite afford clothes. They don't get a choice about what clothes are available for them but i guarantee you they are appreciative of the clothes no matter how they look or outdated it might be. Attitude change needed.

I need to be grateful I have as many clothes as I do. Grateful I can afford to buy "stylish" clothes. I need to remember Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

What a wonderful thought

"Death is your birthday into eternity."

Lead us not into temptation

This, then, is how you should pray:

"Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

your kingdom come,

your will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one."

Thursday night at TNT Dr. Allen Jackson, from NOBTS and interim pastor at UBC, spoke about prayer and the Lord's prayer. I had a lightbulb moment. A moment when I finally understood something with such a greater, deeper meaning. "And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one." The Lord does not tempt us. He allows us to be tempted but He does not tempt us. He is the one who delivers us from the evil one. He is the one who provides the way out of sin and the way out of temptation. My mind immediately went to 1 Corinthians 10:13. "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Typing it now I am also reminded that it is not if you are tempted but when you are tempted. We will be tempted. He will provide a way out- and that is the wonderfully good news.

Offer this heart, oh God, completely to You

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

Matthew 19:29

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

There is so much more to come.

Summer 2011

It's happening! I mean I didn't doubt it would, but I feel like it's really official now. Saturday night I bought my plane ticket to go back to SE Asia. I can not wait! I didn't really think I'd ever be able to go back. In fact there was a time when I didn't really know if I would ever want to go back. It's not that I didn't want to ever see the people again I just didn't think it was the place for me to be going back to.

Once again I'm learning my plans are not His plans and His plans are so much better. That's been the reoccurring theme in my life when it comes to mission trips.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." Douglas Adams

Freshman year I wanted to go to Mexico during spring break. I wanted to go to the Philippines during the summer. The Lord didn't want me in either of these places during those times. I found that out all in the same day, in a matter of about 8 hours. I realized the Philippines wasn't going to happen and then later that night at TNT Steve announced we weren't going to Mexico that year. I went home and cried. It took a lot to not start crying then and there at TNT. I think that is one of the few times that I've ever really questioned, "why Lord, why?" "I want to go for You and You keep stopping me." Mexico and Philippines, my plans. Puerto Rico and somewhere else in SE Asia, the Lord's plans- and what good plans they were. Puerto Rico was incredible and though sometimes I still have trouble figuring out why or what my purpose was in SE Asia I know I grew a lot. It wasn't about me, it's not about me but I was challenged, I had to rely on God, I grew, and I developed a passion to go.

Sophomore year I went to S. Africa. The difference in my plans and His for this one were about the trip itself but events once in S. Africa. Most notable I think of the night we went to Pabellelo. Only a few of us were supposed to go. I didn't want to go, I just wasn't interested in going. We all went. The Lord moved. It was incredible. They joked that it was me and sharing my testimony but it was the Lord. How could it be me when I hadn't even wanted to be there!

Then finally planning for this summer. Thinking about summer 2011 began at the end of summer 2010. Yes, thinking and praying about it that far in advance. I kept thinking Europe somewhere, eastern or western I'm not sure. There was a good bit of mentioning of missions in Europe at Glorieta so that's what got me praying about it. There was also a specific trip I remember seeing in the previous years in England (I think) that was really sticking with me. I began praying. SE Asia kept coming back to my mind. I kept pushing it away. It kept coming back more and more. I started thinking about it. Really, go back to SE Asia? I'm not sure. I was eating supper with Jessica one night and she said she'd been thinking about going back to SE Asia. That's it. I hear you Lord. Back to SE Asia it is.

And that brings me back to right now. Sitting in my room, looking at my flight itinerary, pondering many things about it. My biggest concern is knowing I'm leaving to go over there a few days after everyone else so I'm flying by myself. Not that big a deal, I kind of did that last time. It's still a little bit terrifying though. I worry about what if I miss a flight. And just the long amount spent on the plane. Just me and my thoughts, and not being able to fall asleep. As much as I want to be going there and am glad to be going I fear that that time on the plane with me just thinking will really get to me. Anxiousness, apprehension, questioning. What am I doing? What am I getting myself into? I don't want those kind of thoughts to occur and I think that's what I'm most afraid of about flying alone. No one to keep me grounded and calm. And it's these thoughts and stress from other different aspects of the trip that have already got me losing sleep at night. A problem I've never had before. Since the beginning of this year though when there's something about the trip on my mind or that I know needs to get done soon with the planning it comes to mind when I'm trying to fall asleep. I twist and turn and finally fitfully sleep.

Lord I need to trust in You.

Too comfortable

Sometimes we become to comfortable in the church. Or at least I know I do. Actually the main thoughts running through my head don't necessarily have to do with being too comfortable but I find that thought also running in there so we'll see if they connect somehow as I get this out.

This thought occurred a couple of weeks ago. Our college Sunday school class is actually becoming a class, even more than a class- a college ministry! Seeing every week how our class, I mean ministry, is growing excites me like you can't imagine! There are many familiar faces who have always been around but there are many new faces too.

Some of these new faces aren't really so new to me. They are people I went to high school with. One morning in church there were at least 4 people who I went to high school with. Two who were there for their first time. Where am I going with all this?

I was looking at the Facebook profile of one of the guys who has been coming regularly. That week that there were several people from my high school in church is because that guy invited them. He posted a Facebook status a day or two before Sunday inviting his friends to church. He just started coming and he is already reaching out to people, inviting others to come to church.

Finally, here comes that thought I mentioned. Why am I not doing the same? I am overjoyed to see him reaching out to others but disappointed in myself. When is the last time I invited anyone to church? I fear I've gotten to comfortable in church. I go. I know people there. I tell myself all my friends already have churches they go to, but what about my "friends"- all those people on Facebook who maybe I haven't talked to since high school (if I even talked to them then). A simple status inviting someone to come. It may be just what someone is looking for or waiting for. What if they want to go to church but are scared because they don't know anyone? From my recent couple of months that I was at a different church I know what it feels like to be new, to not know anyone. I ended up going back to my home church (not because of anyone or anything at the other church, just my own fickleness) and becoming comfortable.

So in summary: I need to reach out.

So much on my mind...

that I just have to get some of it out.

Do you ever have those times when you think about something or a situation in your life and see it working out in a certain way and think "Somebody's been praying for me." That happened a week or so ago. I was thinking about something. Something I should of been praying about myself but the thought of praying about it never even occurred to me. Then I realized the situation was changing some in a good way. And when I thought about it I don't know how to describe it other than this overwhelming thought and feeling that someone has been praying for me. Not knowing what was going on or what the situation was but praying for me. There has also been specific moments when, the ones I recall have been on mission trips, when I felt like someone was praying for me at that very moment. I believe it. I believe in prayer.

Some of the changes I've wanted to make, I have. And so far have been successful at keeping at them. Some of the little changes that I don't know if I ever even mentioned help make a difference in the long run. I say long run, it's only Jan. 20. I feel like having a clean room, organized, rearranged, fresh color, it all equals a fresh start. Putting clothes where they go, putting stuff back where I took it from, preparing the night before for when I wake up. Little things. Little things can lead to big things.

School started Tuesday. I've only gone to school for three days and it feels like so much! I have classes 5 days a week! I don't like this! I let myself get spoiled having just Tuesday, Thursday classes the past 2 semesters (with a lab one other day, each semester).

I tried to put a bunch of positive stuff. Hopefully let it outweigh the negative I need to get out. I'll make it brief, put it all in one paragraph. I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well for the past week, maybe even longer. I'm beyond just sleepy tired. My body is tired... Summer planning. Stressing me out. I feel like I'm causing so many problems with it. And none of it should be about me to begin with but that's how I feel I am making everything, about me... Ever feel like you're not good enough. I'm sure we all do at some point. That's not quite the feeling I'm trying to describe but close enough.

I need to rely on God.

New Year=changes

Of course as a New Year begins I have big plans. Big plans on how I will make this year be so much better. So far it's working. Will things go as smoothly once school starts? I certainly hope so. No I don't just hope so, I pray so.

Getting my room redone, clean, organized, in order, getting rid of crap I don't need or want. I feel like that little change, actually kinda big change (room went from turquoise to purple!), is motivation to get and keep everything else in order.

I could go through all the changes I want to make but I'm not. I don't want to make them so concrete as putting them in words. That way it's no that they're no things to change or work on and get to a certain point but they can constantly be changing. Like there is no certain point where the change is done and made. It's not a onetime thing but a continual life change. I feel like that does not at all sound like what my mind is saying.

This year begins (and every subsequent year) my utmost for His glory. My best for His glory. Jan. 1 My Utmost for His Highest.

As I was running today I was listening to my ipod. I don't normally do this but today I just felt like having music. The first song was Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse. It says it so perfectly.

Desperate for changing

Starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started

Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking

Completely incomplete

I'll take your invitation

You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know

I'm running and not quite sure where to go

And I don't know what I'm diving into

Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose

There's nothing else to find

There's nothing in the world

That can change my mind

There is nothing else

There is nothing else

There is nothing else

Desperate for changing

Starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started

Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know

I'm running and not quite sure where to go

And I don't know what I'm diving into

Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)

Hanging by a moment (here with you)

Hanging by a moment here with you

"Desperate for changing." Changing my life. "Starving for truth." The truth of the Gospel, the turth of Christ. "I'm closer to where I started chasing after you." Going back to the way it was when I started following Christ. When I couldn't get enough of Him. "I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all I've held onto." Nothing else needs to matter. Letting go of everything I'm putting before God. Letting go of so desperately wanting a relationship other than a relationship with Christ. Falling in love with Christ. "I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you." Just me and God. Waiting to awaken again to his glory. His wonderful glory. I know it has gone nowhere. I've just been failing to seek it and recognize it.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation. You'll take all of me." Doesn't matter who I am or where I am in life. I'll never be perfect. Christ takes me as I am. He will use me as I am. Of course I should strive to be more like Him daily, but He's not going to wait until I get to such and such point before He can use me.

"I'm living for the only thing I know." Living for Christ. "I'm running and not quite sure where to go." Doesn't matter. Just go. Willing to go anywhere. Go out everyday. Go out and trust in Christ. My Utmost for His Highest Jan. 2. "Don't know what I'm diving into." I don't know what life in complete surrender to Christ will bring.

"There's nothing else to lose. There's nothing else to find. There's nothing in the world that can change my mind. There is nothing else." I have all I need. Christ is all.