God of Jacob

I said I had more to say about this song. I didn't realize I'd be saying it so soon. I had once before blogged about it on a blog I didn't keep up and had a much longer entry but it was about the song's relevance with occurrences in my life then. So now, I actually don't ahve as much to say about it. So short and simple it will be! Anyways.

God of Jacob

We bow our hearts, we bend our knees
Oh spirit, come make us humble
We turn our eyes from evil things
Oh Lord, we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands, and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
And give us clean hands, and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

O God, let us be a generation that seeks

That seeks your face, O God of Jacob
O God, let us be a generation that seeks
That seeks your face, O God of Jacob.

This generation, now, needs to be the generation that shakes things up. The generation that spreads the gospel like wildfire, to everyone, everywhere. Really everybody, every generation needs to be that generation. Let this be your prayer. My prayer.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been & City On Our Knees

Why is it so hard to change? It's easy (sometimes) to see the changes we want to make and even to know how to make them but actually making the change is so difficult sometimes. For me personally it's laziness and lack of effort. I want so desperately to change who I am now into someone better for the Lord. This song sums it up.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by: Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it

.See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.

Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

While I was away this summer I had all these plans of how I'd change once I got back home. I would make sure to spend time daily in prayer and reading the Bible. I would depend on God and not myself. Pretty much all the things most people say when they come back from a church camp or whatever and they're on that "spiritual high." How many times before have I told myself those same things before? Too many to count. How many times have I actually made those proposed changes in my life? I don't know but none have stuck with me. It works for a little while then life gets busy and I let those things slip away. I hate myself being this way. I want to commit to making these changes and actually make them happen.

Also kind of along the same lines I've been recently thinking how it disgusts me how there are so many hypocrites. They claim to be Christian, they come worship at TNT, they go to church, they've been D-now leaders, they've gone on mission trips, and they get wasted on the weekends. That is probably one of the things that irks me the most about some people. Like i said it disgusts me. It truly disgusts me. Then I realized I am no better then they are. I might not do anything "bad" but what am I doing nothing. I go to church, TNT, mission trips, and do nothing. I'm not spending any time outside of corporate worship with the Lord. I disgust myself. I think the biggest insult I could be given would be to be called a hypocrite when it comes to my faith and that's exactly what I've been. A hypocrite.

While I was thinking about all this I was thinking about when to start making these changes I want to make. But why wait for some certain day? Why not tonight? That's when City on Our Knees came in my head. A new song from Toby Mac that has been playing on Klove a lot recently. It says it perfectly. Why not here? Why not now?

Tobymac - City On Our Knees

If you've gotta start somewhere
Why not here?
If you've gotta start sometime
Why not now?

If you've gotta start somewhere I say here
If you've gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog
There is hope in the distance

From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave
Tonight is the night
For the sinners and the saints

To rescue life in a beautiful display
It's all up tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea

To a city with one king
A city on our knees
If we gotta start somewhere
Why not here?

If we gotta start sometime
Why not now?
If we gotta start somewhere
I say here
If we gotta start sometime
I say now

Tonight couldn't last forever
We are one choice from together
Family, we're family
You and me, yeah you and me

If we gotta start somewhere
Why not here?
If we gotta start somewhere
Why not now?

no song this time

Saturday I has a strong feeling of missing the children from the village, Trans. All of a sudden, I don't know why I even started thinking about the village, but I thought about Nona and the other children and started missing them. Nan, content just sitting quietly by me at the well holding my towel while I waited for the shower stall thing. Nona, being with us practically all the time (I mean we were at her family's house after all) and teaching her to play slide. Nan and Nona chattering away while the others slept and I read, saying all our names and where we're from then doing my hair for me. Afebi and her sweet smile. Carmalita, the first time we met her she gave such an almost mean kind of look and would scoot farther from us each time we got closer. Then at the beach when she took my ponytail out to get the sand out my hair, she really went to work at it too. Emila, that scared look she usually had, but she finally gave me a high five, and then held my hand and said my name one day. Even Efri, with his "sticky fingers". And all the rest. It wasn't helped by me putting all the pictures I got printed into albums today and yesterday.

Nona

Emila and another girl

a beautiful darling

Nan and Afebi

? and Efri

boys at the beach


kids hanging around our house


I just love this picture. This is from our first night in the village.

"Da." The final goodbye.

I could post so many more pictures but I won't get carried away and wills top with these.

God of Jacob

We sang God of Jacob during debrief this summer. The second time through it we sang it differently. Normally it is like this:

We bow our Hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes from evil things
Oh Lord we cast out our idols

So give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Give us clean hands
Give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

And oh God let us be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob
And oh God let us be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob

The second time we sang it through it was like this:

They bow their Hearts
They bend their knees
Oh Spirit come make them humble
They turn their eyes from evil things
Oh Lord they cast out their idols

So give them clean hands
Give them pure hearts
Let them not lift their souls to another
Give them clean hands
Give them pure hearts
Let them not lift their souls to another

And oh God let them be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob
And oh God let them be
A generation that seeks
Seeks your face
Oh God of Jacob

And I loved it! I really like this song and eventually will get to an even longer post about it. Just changing a few words gives the song such a different impact. Changing those few words made it not a prayer for myself but a prayer for all the lost souls. I'm having trouble getting into words how strongly I felt about it.

In Timor we didn't see a lot of idol worship and offerings to nonexistent gods but in just the few days I was on Bali I saw plenty of it. And it breaks my heart knowing there are all these millions of people destined to hell because they don't know Jesus Christ. They spend all this time sacrificing, and leaving offerings to gods that aren't there, gods that can't help them. I mean, how must it feel each day when you go to leave your offering and the offering from the day before is still there. Doesn't it feel like your gods are rejecting you. Don't they wonder if their is something else, something greater.

This needs to be our prayer for the people of every nation who are following after false gods, worshipping idols. That they would cast out their idols and cease to worship them. That they would come to know the One who offers salvation. The One who does not require the daily sacrifices because He gave His life as the ultimate sacrifice for us so we don't have to. The one who gives salvation freely to any who call upon His name. Jesus Christ.

I asked Stephanie, who led worship when we sang this song, if she came up with singing it this way as a prayer for others or if she had heard it that way before. She said she was talking to J&J and they mentioned how we too often sing about God and not often enough do we sing to God. Instead of singing "Him" and "His" and etc., singing about God, they would sing "You." And I agree whole heartedly when Stephanie said, "think about it...how true is it?" It is very true. It is good to sing about God but sometimes we need to just make it more personal and sing to Him. Here is more of what Stephanie said,"So, I started thinking about some of the songs that I really adore and decided to try a couple when I sang. It makes everything so much more personal and intimate when we can turn our prayers into songs."

Majesty (Here I am)

"Forever I am changed by Your love." God can show His love in so many ways. This summer I felt His love through 22 children.

Majesty (Here I Am)

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by Your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in Your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that You give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm Your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

So I realize this song is more about the Lord's saving grace and love then what exactly I'm about to go on about but it's that one line, "Forever I am changed by Your love," that got to me two Sunday nights ago. It was my first Sunday back home and music was one of the things I began to start missing while I was gone. Anyways.

You might feel God's love through a certain individual. Maybe you feel it through nature, watching the sunrise or set, gazing at the vast amount of stars. This summer I felt God's love from a bunch of children. Not only the 22 kids at the children's home but also the kids in the villages. And the adults too. I'm not quite sure yet how they've changed me, but they have.

I never thought it was going to be so hard telling the children bye. I thought that right as we were leaving it might really hit and there'd be a few tears shed and that'd be it. Quite to the contrary though! There were very few dry eyes as we all spoke and said goodbye. I can't forget the tears streaming down all the girls' faces. Marget and Jened crying as they both held on to me and I to them. Jeni and the sweet note she gave me. The two bracelets Jeni gave me and the one bracelet another girl gave me, I believe it was Dede but I'm not sure and it kills me that I can't remember which girl gave it to me. What little they had they're willing to give away. (Speaking of giving away, I let them have the pictures I brought with me so your picture might now be in the hands of a child in Indonesia if I had a picture of you with me :) I'm getting off topic though.) Even some of the boys trying not to let their emotions show. Even remembering it now it is still heartbreaking.

A few nights before we were to leave I was wondering what did I actually do there? What difference or impact did my being there have? I struggled with this a lot actually. And then one night when I was in the room by myself Amena and Dede came, armed with just a traveler's English/Indonesian dictionary, to talk with me. We talked as much as we could about various things for quite a while. Dede drew an imaginary line down from my forehead, pointed to one side of me and said, "America," then pointed to the other side and said,"Indonesia."

Whether I ever figure it out or not the kids, or at least some of them, saw something more in me then what I could see. And it's that love I felt from them, that even if I don't fully understand, has somehow in someway changed me.